When you think of the Hamptons you may think of palatial houses, madras pants, Lizzie Grubman mowing over club goers with her SUV and… a ton of white people. Seriously, I’ve been to the Hamptons a handful of times and have never seen a minority. And I’m not counting the Asian women married to WASPS. Or the Caribbean nannies.

But there are other things you should know about the Hamptons if you ever decide to take a jaunt over there.

1. The easiest way to get there is by car but a bus is also convenient. The Hampton Luxury Liner is the same price as The Hampton Jitney but has twice the leg room and more amenities like snacks and magazines. You have to book it early though because seats sell out fast. However, the Hampton Jitney does give out snacks. Make sure to ask for the “partaaay mix”. And you have to say it exactly like that. The attendant loves it. Trust me. Oh, and instead of asking for just a bottle of water, you have to say “H 2 the HizzO.”
The other passengers will love you.

2. If you want to get bombed and go home with a guy who pops his collar then go to Cyril’s in Montauk. Located right on the Montauk highway, Cyril’s serves some of the best frozen drinks outside of the Caribbean. A popular (and deadly) concoction is the BBC (Baileys Banana Colada). Make sure to order it with a “floater”.

3. Do not wear red, patent leather pumps in the Hamptons. Just don’t.

4. If a policeman comes to your house at 9 P.M. because of a noise complaint, he won’t make you get out of the pool to give out your information

5. Apparently, police can still hand out tickets for noise complaints during the day.

6. Drinking out of a bottle of red wine while in the pool is not a good idea. Unless you want to channel that pig blood scene in Carrie.

7. Doing cartwheels, on a deck, after 5 glasses of wine… is not a good idea.

8. The Seafood Shop caters the freshest seafood to your home! We had paella, fried clams, mini crab cakes with chipotle aioli, seared tuna skewers, mini lamb chops, local grilled corn salad, and ceviche.

9. If you want to go for a run on the beach then make sure to bring sneakers! I’m from Miami and I naively believed that these yankee beaches would have smooth, white sand. I really don’t understand the hoopla over the beaches here. The water is freezing and the sand is rocky. But they are pristine. I will give them that.

10. If you want to get a dance party started then blast Sexyback. Works every time.

*Special thanks to our lovely and generous hosts for putting up with our tomfoolery. This was a memorable weekend for all.