I’m a Jinius

I love Thanksgiving. I love any holiday that celebrates your inner morbidly obese child. I also love this holiday because it allows us to meditate on the things we appreciate in life. Like our health. And the fact that we don’t have any venereal diseases (that we know of).

But this Thanksgiving is particularly poignant because it marks the one year anniversary of my single hood. I bet you didn’t know that people celebrated the anniversary of their bachelorhoods. Because they don’t. I just needed something to celebrate today besides pumpkin pie and the racial subjugation of Native Americans.

I know it’s such a cliche but time heals all cold sores. And wounds! I have come such a long way since last Thanksgiving. After the breakup I really thought I would never find someone else to love. And I haven’t. But lets not focus on technicalities. No, today we shall focus on being grateful that we’re no longer crying at those diamond commercials with Cat Power crooning “How can I tell you…that I love you…I love youuuuu.”

First of all, let me just say that it is probably a bad idea to break up with someone right before a national holiday. Nothing makes you want to jump over a bridge more than being surrounded by happy couples. You just want to jam a turkey leg down their throats. But it helps to have good friends who won’t let you bask in your own depression (or get arrested for attempted murder).

Last November, my old roommate Vic forced me to leave my bedroom and go out dancing. So we got all dolled up and went to this house party in Brooklyn. It was the first time I met the divine duo Steve and Fab and their wonderful chocolate phalluses. Um, it was a dessert they made. Geesh.

That night was so much fun. I hadn’t danced in so long. What is it about being in a relationship that makes you become one of those people who go to parties to sit around and HAVE CONVERSATION? And here I was dancing and singing my lungs out. It gave me a glimmer of hope. Who needs a significant other when you have many significant others who share your love for Justin Timberlake and chocolate coverered phalluses!

Now a year has passed and I’m still dancing to JT and eating chocolate covered bananas. Some things never change! And I’m even on cordial terms with my ex. He even set up this blog for me. If we hadn’t broken up, then I probably wouldn’t have started blogging! I bet he regrets setting this up for me now.

Anyway, it’s nice to know that you really do get over it. In the end, your ex is just a person. A vessel where you are storing all these memories and emotions. I know some of you guys are going through break ups right now. And I know it’s been hard for you. But believe me when I say it really does get easier with time. Some people say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. I’m not one of those people. (This is partly due to the fact that I pass out at bars and therefore am unable to go home with someone.) But sometimes getting over a relationship is a long, onerous process and it takes a blog, a trainer, and a match.com account to get back on the saddle. NOT THAT I HAVE EVER DONE ELECTRONIC DATING!

So this Thanksgiving lets be grateful for health, family, and good friends. The kind of friends that make you play truth or dare at five in the morning and give you pink eye because they’ve been making out with strangers.

Oh, and you should also be thankful for your exes because then you wouldn’t do hilarious things like texting them: Thanks for nothing. NOT THAT I HAVE EVER DONE THAT BEFORE!