I’m pretty sure that my bouts of bad karma are a result of hating everyone. The only people I like are my friends (and you, dear readers.) and the reason that my friends and I get along is because we’re all just the right amount of crazy, bitchy, and compassionate. The best mix in my opinion.

On Saturday, we all gathered in Brooklyn for my friend Chris’s 30th birthday party at Union Hall. Before that we all met for dinner at this French bistro nearby and had this crazy waitress named Jan (at least that’s what we called her all night) who would slap her face every time she fumbled her words which was like ALL THE TIME.

Dinner was so much fun and my face was sore from laughing so much. My friend Elissa is one of those people who can tell an innocuous story like ordering chocolate cake from room service and make it seem like the funniest thing since the first season of Golden Girls.

We also talked about Peeps and did you know that they are made of a special, secret ingredient? And then I realized, hello, Peeps! Peeps are people!!!! What do you think peep is short for???

Then we all strolled to Union Hall and went downstairs where they were having a karaoke party. Usually I’m all about the karaoke but I prefer karaoke in a private room. My friend Ursy and I decided to show our support to the performers by yelling things like “You suck!” “Get a new hobby!” “You should just kill yourself!”

After a couple drinks, the conversation eventually veered towards sex because, hey, “half the fun of sex is talking about it”.

Isn’t it funny how when you go through a dry spell you never really think about sex because you sublimate all your desire into things like yoga or obsessively watching LOST but then once you have it, you can’t stop thinking about it and you just want to have it all the time.

And sex is one of those things that even if you have alot of it you don’t get sick of it as opposed to eating too much gluttonous food or drinking too much. Like after I eat too much steak or pasta, I feel sick the next day. Or after a night of drinking I’m like “Ugh, I shouldn’t have had all those beers.” But you never hear people say, “Ugh, I shouldn’t have had ALL THAT SEX.”

Anyway, we also talked about how there was this study revealing that people who were spanked as a child become sexually deviant adults. Umm, I guess that means all children of immigrant parents are freaky deaky.

On Sunday, we headed to Williamsburg for brunch at Relish because that was the only way we could lasso our friend Allstadt into coming to brunch. “I”ll only go if it’s in Williamsburg” because that’s where the mofo lives. So we show up there and of course he doesn’t make it to brunch because he was still sleeping. I told him he was no longer eligible to be a member of my BFF club.

Our waitress was also crazy so we kept calling her Jan.

Oh, and yesterday I wake up and get ready for work and notice that I have a new text. It’s from hot bartender and he sent it at 1 in the morning. It was some cryptic text that didn’t make any sense and was probably crafted during a drinking binge. I ignored it. Then he texted back a couple of hours later, apologizing for the random text. Okay, I give him props for at least acknowledging his drunk text. God knows I’ve sent many a drunk text in my day. And by “in my day” I mean last week. Ha. Whatever, you should feel honored to be a recipient of one of my drunk texts/calls/emails because I hate most people!

And yeah my interview was last night. It was over the phone. If interviews are like dates then I guess I’ll be holding my breath until they call again. But I thought you said you’d call!!!

I hope it turns out okay. I hope the universe will just throw me a bone. Or a boner.