I’ve been instructed by the ladies not to write or post pictures about the bachelorette party that took place in Atlantic City over the weekend. Even if I were allowed to write about it, I don’t think I could on the basis that I’ve only had about three hours of sleep.

But I will tell you the funny bits. Because hey, who doesn’t like a little funny on a Monday morning?

So 8 of us convened at The Bride’s apt on Saturday afternoon and immediately kicked off the festivities with champagne and a smorgasbord of fried, greasy food from three different restaurants. There were steak quesadillas, guac and chips, crispy beef, hot sesame noodles, fried dumplings, mac and cheese, and I don’t remember what else. Because I’ve only had about three hours of sleep.

Then our limo picked us up and we proceeded to drink more champagne and finished all our bottles in about an hour. So my roomie called 411 and asked the operator where we could find the closest liquor store. Off the turnpike. The conversation went a little like this:

“Hi I was wondering where we could find a liquor store? An address? Well, we’re on the turnpike heading to Atlantic City. Is there a liquor store off the turnpike? Um…I don’t really know where we are…Can you find us a liquor store?”

So then I sent a google text for nearby liquor stores and saw that there were three in Camden. Yeah, Camden, New Jersey. A city best known for its shootings and low mortality rate. I asked the driver if he could take us there. He did not oblige.

We finally arrived in AC and stayed at The Taj. The rest is all a blur. I remember drinking more champagne, some concoction called Purple Haze, going to Buddakan for dinner and eating one ring of calamari and a piece of mushroom chow fun. We took the chowfun leftovers to our room and you know I was eating it up the next morning.

We checked out the clubs in our hotel and went to one called Club Wisdom. Yes, you can imagine what kind of people go to a club called Club Wisdom. You can’t? Well, just picture guys that look like relatives of John Gotti who are all sporting barbed wire tattoos and dragon ball-z hair styles. When the club closed we went to another one called The Casbah. I just remember a lot of confetti on the ground. It was the kind of club that played techno remixes to monster ballads and men with gelled hair accost you on the dance floor.

We finally went to bed at 7 in the morning. I’m placing a moratorium on champagne.