I’m a Jinius

I really think that instead of sex-ed they should have taught us sex etiquette in high school. I mean, why the hell were they teaching us the function of a vas deferens? I don’t even remember what they are! And why do they conveniently glance over the condoms issue when guys our age fail to cover themselves in the heat of the moment?

Okay–maybe not all guys–but after consulting with my girlfriends I’ve derived that most single guys try to dive in your underwater paradise without a suit because they just assume you’re on the pill. Why the fuck would I be on the pill when I’m not having regular sex??? Do you think I would be this angry all the time?? No, I am not being emotional!!!!

And I noticed that guys don’t even care about stds, they’re more concerned about getting you pregnant. I guess movies like Knocked Up and Juno have created cause for concern. Look, you can always take care of a pregnancy. Herpes? He’s your friend for life. Your ride or die bitch. And not in a good way.

The pregnancy question always comes up at some point in the courtship and the guy is usually like “Well, would you have the baby? I mean–don’t all women have a biological clock?”

See, this is why sex etiquette would have come in handy. Because it is an affront to most women when guys just assume that WE ALL WANT to carry their spawn.

Let me break it down for you.  Yes, I have a biological clock that is missing a snooze button and yes, I like to post youtube videos with cute babies on a regular basis, but that does NOT mean that I’m just going to give up my job and my happy hours to have your illegitimate child!

When I have a baby it will be with someone who I am actually married to. And has a high IQ. (Hello, gotta ensure that I have a baby jinius.)

Talk about a real mood kill.

“Not tonight, honey, I’m too busy thinking about my future abortion.”

Do you guys hear that sound?

Come closer.

A little closer…

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK WHAT YOU HEAR IS MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK!!!!!!!

That other sound you hear is the pounding of my head.

I went balls to the wall last night. My friends Elissa, Chris,and Niki threw a swanky holiday party. I’m talking an array of meat, cheese, and even home made crab dip– which I didn’t try but could smell it on everyone else. There was some serious stank breath going on last night.

The highlight of the evening was Lisa’s baby. His name is Nico and he is so cute I wanted to eat him. I don’t understand how parents stop themselves from eating their children. I think Lisa was trying to hide her baby from me for fear that I was going to eat him. If I had kids I would just stare at their cuteness all day until they pooped. Then I would hand them over to my husband or Caribbean nanny.

This is Lisa and her baby Nico. I’m going to eat him!

But last night’s party definitely reinforced the fact that while I am coveting children I am not ready to look after them because I don’t even have the wherewithal to change out of my clothes at the end of the night. Yeah, I woke up this morning in my cocktail dress and tights. I hope that my future husband will be more judicious and also have the decency to change my clothes for me.

I can just imagine the conversation:

“Honey, you should probably change into pajamas.”
“Fuck off.”
“You’re going to ruin a really nice dress.”
“You’re a gurly man.”
“Can you please stop saying that in front of the children?”
“You ruined my life.”

When I wasn’t drinking or gawking at babies, I was making love to meat on a stick–that’s not a euphemism!–and catching up with friends. I saw my friend Kenny and his girlfriend Karen. They are both very smart, very good looking, and very nice. Obviously I hate them.

I also ran into Craig Baldo who is a very funny comedian and a nice guy. I think. I always run into him at the point in the evening when I start seeing everything in threes. He could be a serial killer for all I know. Come to think of it… he does kinda kinda look like a serial killer. Anyway, Craig was giving me good advice about writing and comedy but I think he was just being nice so he could kill me later.

This is Craig. He is about to murder someone.

Now lets take a look at the rest of the pics, shall we? Note how the photos get shoddier as the evening progresses.

Hello, fabulous!

What the fuck am I aiming at?

These guys look like they are having a serious conversation. Obviously I hate them.

Seriously, someone give me a glass of water.

I need new friends.

Time to go home!