I’m a Jinius

I was having one of those days at work when people were pulling me from all sides. I wanted to put a sign up that said “I will be emotionally and physically unavailable between the hours of 9 A.M.-5 P.M., Mon-Fri”

And then on top of that I started freaking out over the diminishing balance of my bank account and the increasing rate of my spending. Yeah, I’m gonna have to stock up on rice and beans and ramen. I’m 28 but I eat like a college freshman.

So when you are having one of those days when you hate your life because you are overworked and poor, the last thing you want to do is sit in a dark theater.

My friends and I had tickets to see this scary puppet show in the East Village but my brain was too numb to handle anything artistic or requires cognitive processing on my part. And I had a feeling that if I were placed in a dark and quiet theater I would slowly start bawling to myself and make it very awkward for people in my vicinity. (more…)

I’m pretty sure that my bouts of bad karma are a result of hating everyone. The only people I like are my friends (and you, dear readers.) and the reason that my friends and I get along is because we’re all just the right amount of crazy, bitchy, and compassionate. The best mix in my opinion.

On Saturday, we all gathered in Brooklyn for my friend Chris’s 30th birthday party at Union Hall. Before that we all met for dinner at this French bistro nearby and had this crazy waitress named Jan (at least that’s what we called her all night) who would slap her face every time she fumbled her words which was like ALL THE TIME.

Dinner was so much fun and my face was sore from laughing so much. My friend Elissa is one of those people who can tell an innocuous story like ordering chocolate cake from room service and make it seem like the funniest thing since the first season of Golden Girls.

We also talked about Peeps and did you know that they are made of a special, secret ingredient? And then I realized, hello, Peeps! Peeps are people!!!! What do you think peep is short for??? (more…)

On Thursday, I meet up with Ursy at Resto, this Belgian restaurant in New York. I love Belgian beer and frites so I was very excited. We sit at the bar, have one drink, and decide to leave because the bartender was kinda stank. She made us feel like we should either order more or leave so guys in suits can sit down.

So we leave and go to this Indian restaurant in Curry Hill (For non New Yorkers–it’s actually an area in Manhattan called Murray Hill and there’s an abundance of South Asian restaurants, hence, the name. I love bad puns!) We order the chana masala and saag paneer but when the waiter comes to our table we kept calling it SHAG paneer. “Oh, I love that SHAG paneer.” “I love SHAG.” “Can I have more SHAG paneer?” He totally hated us. It was one of those situations when your joke is hilarious to no one.

After dinner, I come home and start watching LOST when my phone goes beep beep beep. TEXT! I look over and it’s a text from my hot bartender.

Hey, I’m going to this little show in the East Village. You should also.

Oh, I shall.

I had less than an hour to get ready so I had to assemble my best “Oh, I just picked these clothes off the floor’ outfit” when really I ransacked my closet and tried everything on like ten times. I ended up wearing a vest with a satin, lacy top underneath. I think it says serious with a hint of naughty.

I go meet him at the lounge at 11 P.M. God, when was the last time I went out to meet someone at eleven on a school night??? I can’t keep up with you recent college grads!

I spot him by the bar. He says, “It’s good to see you. I figured you’d be home watching LOST.”

Um, whatever, you don’t know me! (more…)

You have been so patient, dear readers.

This blog is ostensibly about dating and going out but you have endured all my posts on LOST, 30 Rock, and a dvd on string theory. Yeah, you know you’re in a dry spell when you voluntarily watch Nova specials on physics. I DON’T EVEN LIKE SCIENCE!

But these days there has been an extra spring in my step. I break out into giggles for no apparent reason in the middle of the work day or even during a shower. I have a perpetual grin on my face like some crazed cult member.

It was raining in New York yesterday and I skipped along the puddles like they were streams of gold! A cab drove by and drenched me in puddle water–just like in the movies!!!–and I didn’t care!!! I just continued walking and grinning!

What, pray tell, could be the source of all this… happiness??? (more…)

I had drinks with a guy friend on Friday night and at around midnight his phone started flashing. He flips open his phone and shows me a text from this girl he hooked up with before.

UR hot…lets makeout.

I laugh. I think I know a thing or two about texting while drunk and horny. What is it about happy hour that augments your desire for gadgets and boys?

He texts back and asks the girl if she is drunk. Seconds later, she replies:

Maybe…hehe.

And then she called him. Ah, the drunk communication trifecta: two texts and a call.

Isn’t that cute? My guy friend asks.

It was cute. And of course it made me wish that I had someone to drunk dial ME!! And at that moment I felt kinda bad for being so snappy with the 25 year old. He’s 25. Of course he’s going to feel horny at midnight and send random texts. And then I feel worse for telling him he has texticular cancer. If only because it’s probably not all that nice to bring up CANCER in a digital discourse.

And then I remember all those times I was embarrassed at my drunk texts and in retrospect I really don’t think they were that bad.

What’s so wrong with telling someone that you think they’re attractive and exhorting them to make out with you? This very second? And insisting that they should leave their co-worker’s/best friend’s/dying sister’s farewell party and come meet me at the other side of town?

What, pray tell, is so wrong with that???

I woke up on Monday morning feeling like I had just been beat up. I could barely raise my right arm or bend over to tie my shoes. What the hell did I do to my body this weekend?

Oh, right, I danced for like eight hours on Saturday night and then went to a shooting range on Sunday. Gun control is overrated! But more on that later.

Friday:
My friends and I go to my favorite bar and I FINALLY score a conversation with my hot bartender. Well, I suppose it wasn’t a real conversation but more of an exchange. Of three words. And a giggle.

Bartender: Hey, good to see you again.
Me: Yeah…um…it’s good…seeing you…yeah…lol

That was the extent of our conversation. But it was dripping with subtext!

Bartender: Hey good seeing you again…for the hundredth time.
Me: I’m picturing you with your shirt off.

My roomie suggested that I should just go one night alone and talk to him. Um, right, cause that wouldn’t be creepy! But she does have a point. Hot Bartender is not the chattiest cathy and my friends and I aren’t the most stranger friendly people. I mean, one guy used to call my group of girlfriends The Riot. This was an accurate description because a) we’re a riot and hi-larious and b) when we get together we do resemble an angry mob of people.

But hot bartender will be mine. He just doesn’t know it yet. (more…)

I think we all know why god designated the seventh day as a day of rest.

Boyfriend was popping some advil and sipping on gatorade.

(Dear Evangelical readers, that was a joke. Please don’t sue me! I have no money!)

Saturday was Henri’s birthday and we all gathered at Hacienda for libations and dancing to top 40 songs. You know you’re old when you prefer bars that play pop music instead of indie rock songs.

Anyhoo, despite being very vigilant about drinking in moderation , I still managed to suffer a massive hangover on Sunday. But I did not black out or do anything too embarrassing. In fact, I was the one looking out for other people and making sure they were okay. Wow, talk about reversing the roles.

I think the key to keeping your shit together is to limit yourself to one drink per hour and drinking water throughout the night. Of course, by the end of the night I was drinking whiskey gingers every ten minutes. But I think all the dancing mitigated the corrosive effects of liquor.

On Sunday, I downed two Zicos. Have you guys had Zico? It is so delicious. It’s fresh coconut water and great for hangovers because it has all these electrolytes. Not that I even know what electrolytes are but people seem to think they are good for you.

I guess the Zicos weren’t enough because now I’m sick. I was on the couch all day today intermittently sleeping and watching the food network. This also explains why my last blog posts have sucked ass. So thanks for being patient, you guys. Ummm, now that I have your sympathy, you think you can come across the computer screen and bring me some theraflu? Thanks. (more…)

Wanna know the best panacea for the winter blues? I shall prescribe one for you. Get thee a juicy burger, a frosty glass of brown ale, and a plate of warm donuts. Oh, and share this with great company!

Vidya and I went to my favorite new bar (well, it’s actually a restaurant but I always end up sitting at the bar!) last night. She had a Manhattan and I started off with beer. I figure it’s not a sage decision to be drinking bourbon on an empty stomach. (more…)

Friday
It was the end of the week and I decided to reward myself by going to happy hour. (Did BF Skinner invent happy hour?) My friends and I convened at my new favorite bar. It’s my favorite because they serve this drink that is like the master cleanse but spiked with bourbon and they have a hot bartender who graduated highschool in 2002 (wtf??) and gives out free donuts. Is it a coincidence that now every time I see a donut I start salivating? Is someone doing a behavioral experiment on me??

Anyhoo, my hot bartender was not there which was probably a good thing because my friends and I quickly became the loudest people in the place. We knew we were loud when we stopped talking and could actually hear the music in the background.Everyone around us was chatting quietly and eating dinner whereas we were laughing like hyenas. Whatever, I think we were entertaining. If only to ourselves. (more…)

I know, I know. How could I do that to him? And on Valentines Day of all days?!?!

But I heard the siren call of open bar at The Delancey and all my friends were going. So I was all “peace out, home slice.”

Sorry, baby, but I had to hang out with three dimensional people.

Anyway my ass had to dance to Bonafide Lovin’. (Thanks Fleetweek DJs! You guys rock the hizzouse!!!)

Oh, I learned that Guinness is neither low carb nor low cal. It’s a myth. Like evolution. In fact it has alot of sugar. I wish I had learned this earlier, I had like three pints last night!!! I knew there was a reason it tastes like a milk shake!

So this beer drinking thing is at least helping me in the “staying relatively sober so I can remember how I get home” department. But it’s no good for the expansion of my waist line. I can’t win!!!