I’m a Jinius

Found some old journal entries. These three are my favorites.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

In memoriam of September 11th, I met E. for lunch at Tao.

If today was my last day on earth I would feel somewhat satisfied knowing that I had ass the night before and steak for lunch. Not that I would like to die having only completed those 2 things, but I would be happy having ass and steak for the rest of my life on a regular basis.

Saturday, September 6, 2003

Watching the Li’l John video. “Bend over to the front, touch your toes.”

I woke up at 2 pm today. Last nite went to 2 parties in Brooklyn and fell in a tub. Why do I always do that?

Tonight V. and I made shrimp paella. It was the bomb. For dessert we’re eating No Pudge Brownies. They are fat free brownies. There’s a picture of a pig on the carton. I dont know how I feel about eating something with a picture of a pig on it.

Thursday, September 4, 2003

Listening to Massive Attack’s Mezzanine

Track Number 3 reminds me of R., the Brazilian tatoo artist I met in Miami a summer ago. He had crystal blue eyes and tattoos of Japanese coy fish on his arm and leg. That is the summer I fell in love tattoos. He bartered cigarrettes and beer for kisses which I shyly denied but eventually gave in after the alcohol doused my inhibitions. I never saw him again after that nite but I hope he didnt get deported.

I never understood those aphorisms that encourage you to be a better person.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Take the high road. Be the bigger person.

The bigger person? Why would I want to be the bigger person when what I really want to do is BUST. SOME. SKULLS??? People seem to think that being the bigger person is the mark of a mature character but I think it’s a bit fraudulent. Because you never hear people say, “Oh, yes, I’m going to be the bigger person!!!!  I’m so happy I was the bigger person!”

No, they always say that begrudgingly and in a dejected tone that is usually accompanied by a sigh.  “Fiiiine (sigh) I guess I’ll be the bigger person.”

If you feel like acting immature why can’t you just be immature? If you feel like making fun of an ex’s poor bedroom skills on a public blog then why don’t you just go ahead?

Oh, because you’re taking the high road.

I prefer the more accessible road.

I’ve been thinking about this lately because it’s funny when you hear people concoct elaborate and creative ways to not offend people. If you don’t feel like attending a party you make some excuse about how you have to work overtime or you’re sick or your dog needs to be disciplined. Now that I’m older I’ve exhausted all my excuses so when people invite me to things and I don’t feel like going I just say “No.”

Do you wanna go running with me?
No.

Do you wanna go to this fundraiser and pay 100 dollars a ticket? It’s open bar.
Tempting. But no.

Do you wanna go see this live jazz band?
HAHAHAHAH. No.

Do you wanna watch the Sex and the City movie?
Um, I’m too busy trying to actually have sex in this city. No.

Do you wanna be my bridesmaid?
Oh, I’m so honored. No.

We’ve all been in this position before.

You’re waiting in line for the bathroom at a bar or restaurant or coffee shop. (I’m sure you’ve been in line at a coffee shop because, hello, coffee!!!) So you’re the only person in line and waiting forever because the person in the stall is either reading Ulysses or removing the entire contents of his/her digestive system. The person finally exits the restroom and does not look you in the eye.

A harbinger of things to come.

You enter the bathroom and your olfactories are immediately arrested by a stench so unholy that you are convinced that the person before you must have murdered someone, eaten them, and then purged them from their bowels.

But you get over it and do your thing.

Then you leave the bathroom only to find that a line of people has actually gathered outside the restroom. Where were all these people before?? And now they will think that you are the perpetrator of this unholy grail!!

What do you do? Shrug? Grimace? Be like Shaggy and say, “It wasn’t me”?

Ladies and gentleman, I propose that we all employ the universal sign of “not my shit” so as not to be responsible for a sin we did not commit. As we exit the restroom, we should pull on our right ear to indicate to our fellow restroom victims that we did not, indeed, drop a deuce.

You’re welcome.

my roommate and i were talking about how it takes so much more energy to be depressed than to just be chill.

and that happiness is not an objective like a better job or a better body or a better significant other. sure, all those things may amplify your state of happiness but they can’t make you happy unless you already have a foundation.

and i think when you realize that those things will not necessarily make you happy that it’s alot easier to appreciate little things. like omigod i saw my neighbor saying goodbye to her 2 year old son this morning and it was so freaking sweet i couldn’t stop staring like a creepy person!please don’t put me on amber alert!

not that i am the poster child of happiness and optimism–hell, i almost killed someone in the buffet line today. some woman accused me of cutting her and i was like bitch, you’re taking too long!– anyway, where was i? oh,yes, being soooo happy!

anyhoo, i guess my bro’s visit made me re-evaluate what it takes to pull yourself out of a depression. i think that if you stop taking yourself and your life so seriously, you will see that there is so much more fun to be had. god is laughing with you not at you! although, when i fell flat on my ass at the gym the other day im pretty sure that god, along with all the other gym patrons, was laughing at me.

you should be grateful for the things you have in your life. sure, you may hate your 9-5 job but if you didn’t have it then you wouldn’t be able to appreciate things like happy hour!!! and how awesome is happy hour???

i think i am still feeling the effects of my runner’s high.

happy friday.

i’ve been really into eating these kabobs from the street vendor for lunch. so convenient! and i was thinking that more foods should be offered on a stick. because sometimes you want to eat while you walk. and sometimes utensils require too much effort.

these are my ideas for meals that should be on a stick:

lasagne on a stick
french toast on a stick
baguette and brie and apple on a stick
chicken caesar salad on a stick
pancake with bacon on a stick
biscuits n gravy on a stick
california roll on a stick
cubes of mac n cheese on a stick

Words that my phone can’t intuitively text:

1. Brunch
2. Yay
3. Angioplasty

Words that my phone CAN intuitively text

1. Syphilis???

I’ve been listening to Color Me Badd on my ipod because I am going through an early nineties boy band phase. I liked Color Me Badd as a child because each member was a celebrity look alike. There was the dude who looked like George Michael, the dude who looked like Richard Marx, the dude who looked like Kenny G, and the black guy.

I Wanna Sex You Up is probably their biggest hit and it is also their most elusive one. I never understood the line “Girl, you make me feel real good/We can do it till we both wake up!” Shouldn’t the line be: “We can do it till we both pass out”?????

Last night Fab and I had an email convo (the best kind of convo) and we were discussing the critical state of race in our culture–specifically on the MTV show The Hills– (yeah, we’re like the Cornel West of water cooler topics)–and how the show sucks because it’s another show that features an all white cast along with Sex and the City and Friends.

All three shows were set in metropolitan cities (is that redundant?) and all three shows only featured all white casts.

How you gonna be set in Manhattan and Los Angeles and not have any colored friends?

But Friends tried to diversify the cast by adding Aisha Tyler one season but in doing so they managed to hire THE MOST UNFUNNY BLACK WOMAN ON TELEVISION. I’m sorry, I’m sure she’s very smart (think she went to an ivy) and a worthwhile actress, but she’s not a good comedian.

And then that reminded me of last month’s Vanity Fair issue on women in comedy and how the issue was very white centric with the exceptions of Wanda Sykes and Maya Rudolph.

What about Mindy Kalig? Margaret Cho? Whoopi Goldberg? Mo’nique? THE JINIUS??? How did Chelsea Handler get on that list???

I also noticed that they failed to include one of my favorite SNL female actresses…

RACHEL DRATCH.

How did “I’m Harry Pottaaa” not make the list?

Please, please, bring back Rachel Dratch. If you’re going to continue to marginalize minority comedians and promote white comedians then at least bring Rachel Dratch to the forefront. She’s not just one of the funniest women but one of the funniest people on television. Hello, remember when she played the Cat Wrangler on the pilot episode of 30 Rock? (”Do you consider yourself cat competent?”)

Putting race and gender aside, lets just focus on the comedy. Rachel Dratch is funny. And I want to see her back on television.

For some reason I get really aggravated when women castigate Sex and the City for being a horrible example of feminism. I think it’s because I own season two and three on dvd. Umm, I went to a seven sister school, okay! I read Camille Paglia! (that’s a lie).

Lindsey Gerdes’s Businessweek piece lambasts the tv show for its vapid depiction of women obsessing over men and sex.

Umm, yeah, I think it’s because the show is called SEX and the city not FERMAT’S THEOREM and the city.

While Gerdes was a fan of the show in college (”The four chic, single, thirty-to-fortysomething central characters seemed like sexually liberated, glamorous exemplars of modern femininity”), her interest eventually declined:

My own disillusionment with the show began with my post-grad move to New York City (BusinessWeek.com, 10/11/06), which turned out to be anything but the exciting, glamorous metropolis so romanticized by Carrie & Co.

First of all, people who believe that life in New York City is going to be just like a tv show are in for a rude awakening. I suggest you avoid watching the sitcom Friends.

Also, the fictitious characters on the show were in their mid to late thirties. They had the money and influence to galavant around the meatpacking district and wear Manolos. Except Carrie. People still wonder how girlfriend could afford those shoes on a journalist’s salary. But the show did hint at her massive credit card debt. Maybe she’s to blame for the sub-prime crisis.

But here’s what I don’t understand about people who complain that New York is not as glitzy and glamorous as it’s portrayed by HBO.

When I was living in New york post-college, I wasn’t making that much money, but I still managed to go to all these parties where open bar and long limbed girls in precipitous heels were staples.

Maybe Gerdes would have had a much more Carrie Bradshaw-esque experience if she had just learned to mooch off people with influence like I did. She would’ve had more fun. And more hangovers.

One of her friends proposed boycotting the movie.

I say, there are bigger issues worth boycotting. Like patchouli. Ugh, lets boycott men who wear patchouli!

I’m on the Urban Outfitters email list. I’m also on the email list for the South Beach diet. Um, not that I ever subscribed to their email list. Did you know you can use cauliflower to make low carb, faux mashed potatoes?

Anyhoo, I received an email the other day announcing the opening of UO’s first Brooklyn store and I was intrigued by the layout of their e-flyer. As Gothamist points out:

The mystifying amalgam of images, placed in some sort of elementary collage layout is presumably a representation of the borough. Many of the images look like they were cut out of a TV Guide circa 1984

I was struck by three of the images. Dumbo the elephant, Biggie, and J. Hova (click on the image for the full ad). I kept wondering why they would have Dumbo the elephant on a flyer for an Urban Outfitters store. And after staring at the flyer like a magic eye poster, I realized that Dumbo the elephant represents the area in Brooklyn called Dumbo. Symbolism can be hilarious!

Why Biggie and Hova are on the flyer I have no clue. Sure they both grew up in Brooklyn but I have a creeping suspicion that Biggie would never have shopped there. If only because UO’s skinny jeans could only accommodate his big toe.