I’m a Jinius

Dear readers:

Can you please help me decipher this text I received from the bartender at 2 in the morning.

Hey. You love late night calls. Get one.

Whaaaaa?! Is this even English? If he had enough sense to use punctuations then couldn’t he at least send a text that was semi-coherent??

Since retiring my dreams of being a back up dancer for Justin Timberlake, I’ve decided that I should probably try a more pragmatic career option. One that I actually have some talent and expertise in.

And then it hit me.

A kindergarten teacher!

I think teaching kindergarten would be great for me because:

a) I’m guaranteed to be taller than all the students

b) I’m good at arithmetic. As long as I can teach them that 1+1 does not equal poop, then they will be fine.

c) I’ll be molding the young minds of America. (pause) BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA

d) Kindergarteners get nap time. I LOVE nap time.

e) Um, hello, haven’t you people seen Kindergarten Cop? Best! Movie! Ever! This will give me an excuse to say, “KIDS, WE AH GOING TO PLAY AH GAME. WHO’S YOUR DAHHDY AND VAT DOES HE DOOOO.” And I’ll win their affections by bringing a pet ferret to class and everything will be going swimmingly until the day that the estranged father of one of my students gets out of prison and hunts me down.

But I was looking at the eligibility requirements and you have to be a US citizen or greencard holder to teach in New York City. Drats. I guess the public school system does not feel comfortable with an immigrant teaching English. I can speaks English!

This just reinforces the fact that I should just marry someone and get my greencard. The only problem is that I actually have to convince a dude to marry me. Perhaps I will use that as my pickup line tonight.

“Hey, do you wanna marry me so I can become a kindergarten teacher?”

my roomie is a yoga fanatic and she was showing me a good stretch for my quads since my legs have been feeling so tight from running.

basically you start in a kneeling position and then arch your back, sit back on your heels, and you want your head to eventually touch the floor.

and all i could think was that this would be a great warm up for this position.

tee-hee.

If a guy is named Peter then he will be hot.

So I figured out one of the reasons I was stressed out about my brother’s visit and I think it’s because I’m kind of resentful of his girlfriend. I won’t be his number two girl anymore (after my moms) and that made me a little sad. He even told me that she reminded him of me which is weird–is she a bitch, too? Anyway, I’m excited that they’re coming. I went to trader joes last night and bought all these snacks that I figured college freshmen would like. i had to avoid the stinky cheese and prosciutto and just stocked up on chips and cookies. I guess these snacks are more for me than my bro. Ha.

Um, so we all know that i have a high tolerance for reality television and that i have a propensity for becoming addicted to certain tv shows (LOST, 30 Rock, Yo Gabba Gabba) and my current addictions are The Paper (MTV’s reality show about a high school newspaper. So cute!) and Bravo’s Work Out.

I love The Paper because I had always wished that my highschool had a school paper but the administration wouldn’t fund a newspaper club because we were a performing arts school and kids already had so much on their plate. So in my junior year i started my own underground paper and called it The Earthworm (get it?) and lassoed my friends into writing columns. I used my lunch money to make all the copies.

The Earthworm lasted one issue. But it was a darn good issue!

And then last night I was watching Work Out and I’m embarrassed to admit this, dear readers, but I cried.

So in this episode Jackie (the owner of Sky Lab Gym) has a heart to heart with one of the female trainers Erica (who has a history of bulimia) and says ” I noticed that you’ve been eating alot more…like practically 20,000 calories a day and you don’t look like you’re gaining any weight, in fact, you look like you’ve lost weight…”

Then Erica reassures her that she’s not throwing up and that things are fine although in life there’s always one thing that’s not perfect and Jackie asks her to explain and Erica says, “Well, I don’t know, I guess there’s the whole dating thing…maybe that’s why I’m eating so much” and then she starts crying and then, oh dear jesus, I START CRYING.

I don’t know if this is a gendered thing but I, along with alot of women, am an emotional eater. When things in my life are fine, I’m very disciplined, I eat in moderation, I work out regularly. But when I’m stressed out I tend to obsess over everything i eat to the point that I write every single calorie down and freak out if i go over.

And it’s sad but this obsessive behavior is usually aligned with feeling unhappy in my dating life. And I think what really triggered it was last year when I tried to re-connect with this guy who absolutely wanted nothing to do with me and it killed me that I couldn’t control the situation and that I couldn’t make someone want to be friends with me. So I transferred these control issues through eating. Or not. I subsisted on coffee and laughing cow cheese (all of this was done in private, of course, and to this day I can’t look at laughing cow cheese without feeling sick). I think you stop eating because you literally just want to disappear. Anyway, things got better. I eventually confided in a friend, in the bathroom of a karaoke bar of all places, and wasn’t going to let this guy be the reason I wanted to disappear.

Aaaaaand now I don’t know how a benign post about cheesy reality tv shows turned into a missive on eating behavior.

I’ve given you too much information. I will have to kill you now.

ed note: This post was originally titled half empty but I changed it because i think,ultimately, i am an optimistic person. And that is the energy id like to project.

ive been really lazy and not capitalizing letters yo.

Ugh, wordpress makes it so difficult to embed codes.

Click here for the full spring playlist.

Maybe I’ll still keep this blog and combine all three blog ideas. It will be I’m a Jinius…ON STEROIDS!!!

Or I’m a Jinius…ON CRACK!!!! That seems to be more my personality.

When I found out that my deleted blogger url became a porn site, I sent a frantic email to a friend who just started working at Google and asked if she knew how I could get in touch with Blogger’s support team because I didn’t want my blog name to be associated with women who enjoy posing spread eagled.

I would’ve been happy with just a 1-800 number but my friend went above and beyond and managed to get a hold of an engineer at Blogger and have the “inappropriate content” deleted.

Talk about google efficiency.

Special thanks to my friend for having the embarrassing task of asking her new co-workers how her non-Jinius friend can remove porn from her old site. That must have been a fun email chain.

I owe her big time and she is a true Jinius!

Note to self: Do not ever delete your blog or you will have spammers snatch that up and show shots of snatches!

My high school theater teacher said the movie Grease promulgates a bad message to girls because it tells them they need to slut it up in order to land a guy. I should interject here and say that Grease is probably one of my favorite musicals of all time.

And Sandy is my favorite character because she embodies the dichotomy of the virgin/whore. And I don’t think the movie is endorsing female promiscuity. If anything, John Travolta’s character Danny Zuko still had the hots for Sandy while she was all virginal but was too chicken to admit that he liked her. Who can forget that scene when Danny joins the track team to impress Sandy but ends up falling on his ass?

Either way, we can take some cues from the movie Grease to ensure that we milk the last days of summer for some summer lovin. I’ve had to tweak some suggestions and make them more age appropriate since we’re no longer in high school. (Please don’t tell me that you’re still in high school.)

1. If you’re a prude like Sandy and would like to instigate some summer loving I suggest you buy a skin tight dress. The shorter the better. American Apparel has some great ones that are inexpensive.

2. Next, find yourself a Danny Zuko. He’s the original emo boy. I mean, c’mon, he wore tight jeans and sang and danced around a car. I suggest Nurse Bettie since it has that whole 50s theme going on. Or even Rue B with their live jazz shows and classic martini drinks.

3. Instead of prom, you can go to 205 bar to get your dance on. It’s dark, dingy, and small so you can dance intimately with a stranger and then neck with him downstairs. Not that I have any knowledge of this!

4. You can re-enact the carnival scene and go to Coney Island.

5. If all else fails, go to a bar that serves killer margaritas. Nothing ensures summer smoochies like tequila! Surprisingly, Spice Market makes some luscious margaritas. I also like Esperanto, La Palapa, and Cafe Juliette in Williamsburg.

6.I like to keep the summer lovin’ at bars for now. It’s part of the good girl/bad girl thing I guess. Plus, I haven’t cleaned my room in ages.

Here’s to a summer of smoochies! We don’t have much time left so hurry up! Let me know how you do!