I’m a Jinius

Oh my jesus I started watching this at work and literally burst out laughing. I don’t know why. I think it’s because fart jokes are just perennially funny. Click here.

1. Soooo I went to a going away dinner for Sabs last night at Chez Elissa.

2. And maybe it’s the stress from dealing with work and my grad school applications or maybe it’s because I’m dealing with the sadness of Sabbie’s departure or maybe it’s just the plain fact that I like to drink whiskey on Wednesday nights but I drank a little too much last night. And by ‘little” I mean I passed out at Elissa’s house and woke up this morning feeling completely displaced and confused.

3. First of all, why WHY do I drink whiskey on a school night????

4. Second of all, I was so disoriented that I couldn’t figure out where I was. Imagine the Bourne Identity. But with a massive hangover. And you have to pee really bad but you can’t figure out where the bathroom is because you can’t figure out where you are! I finally figured out where I was when Chris’s alarm off and he told me to wake up. How sweet are my friends? He set his alaram at 630 IN THE MORNING so I could get to work on time.

5. Then I saw a pink post it note next to my bag. Elissa had left a pencil skirt and a top for me to wear to work.

6. And then there was another post-it note next to a clean towel for me to shower with.

7. I continued to follow the pink post-it notes like they were a sherpa leading me to back to reality. There was a post it on the front door reminding me to take my lunch that Elissa had packed for me (like a mom!). There was even a plastic bag with a muffin, emergen-c and meds to help alleviate my HANGOVER. Yes, it was the kind of hangover that requires ALL CAPS.

8. So I learned two very valuable lessons.

9. Don’t drink whiskey on a Wednesday.

10. Always be grateful for such amazing friends. Especially the ones who have to carry you up a flight of stairs and put you in bed and set their alarms and give you clean clothes and packed lunches so your ass doesn’t get fired during this recession!!!!

11. Oh and I lost my phone. So if you’ve called/texted in the last 48 hours, it’s not because I’m avoiding you. This time!

when i finish my grad school apps i’m gonna party like it’s 1989. collapse of communism style yo.

and i think that for halloween i will dress as a russian hipster. i will wear a shirt with a sickle and carry a roll of toilet paper.

i havent had social interaction since sunday. ugh.

I love Bobby Darin and all those crooners from the fifties/sixties. Their songs encourage you to go up to that boy you’ve been eyeing all evening and slow dance the night away. I mean, they even tell you in the song “put your head on my shoulder”.

So I made a playlist of fifties songs and current songs that evoke that era. Slow dancing at your office is fully encouraged.

I emailed my friend Anthony who I haven’t seen or spoken to in foreves and lamented that I feel so out of touch with everyone now that I don’t have facebook, myspace, or friendster accounts. And now I have to keep in contact with people the old fashioned way. By talking to them! ICK.

To which he responds: “Your problem isn’t your facebook account. I mean, I hate facebook and myspace. You’re problem is that i never see you on gmail or aim or anything. You’re like internet dead. Who the hell has time to talk on the phone these days?!?!” (more…)

I think astrology is bs most of the time but sometimes it’s disarming how accurate those forecasts can be. Susan Miller is a genius! (But only when the good things come true.) (more…)

- This episode opens with a shot of Don Draper eyeing a new Cadillac. “Afraid you’ll fall in love?” The salesman asks. And then there’s a flashback and we see that Don used to be a used car salesman. This is a great scene because we see that Don’s social status is escalating but he’s psychologically anchored by his colored past (muahahahahahha)

-I really detest Jane, Don’s secretary. But I love Sterling’s line :Where’d you get that sweater so I can make sure my daughter never buys it? He’s such a pimp. I will always remember him as the guy on Sex and the City that asked Carrie Bradshaw to pee on him. I’m sure John Slattery appreciates leaving such an indelible mark on women.

-So Jane sneaks the ad men into Cooper’s office to look at his new Rothko.

-A moment is shared by Salvatore and Ken

-Ummm why hasn’t anyone caught on that Salvatore is gayer than Planet Unicorn? (hey!)

-The title of the episode is also the title of Ken’s short story. The gold violin is a beautiful, perfect object that can’t play a single note. What could this mean? I guess all the characters are, in a sense, a gold violin. Beneath the perfect, placid facade lies an inability to be their true selves. Salvatore is in the closet. Ken yearns to be a writer. Don has a whole closet of secrets and is unable to be true to himself and others.

-The showdown between Joan and Jane is awesome. “What on god’s green earth are you doing here?”

-Jimmy Barrett is so creepy. He looks like a really creepy version of Martin Scorcese.

-The final scene in the car is just awesome. This scene just totally captures that old writing school adage “show dont’ tell.” You see Betty and Don in the car. They don’t say a word to eachother but their silence speaks volumes. He is still digesting Jimmy’s confrontation. And poor Betty is also digesting the news that her husband was having an affair. And then she literally can’t digest it because their silence is interrupted by her puking in the car.

-The episode opens and ends with the Cadillac. Except in the beginning, the Cadillac is a symbol of prosperity and a mark of how far Don has come. In the final scene, it’s just another reminder that you can have all the money and luxury objects in the world but you won’t necessarily be happy. And to continue with the driving theme, Don can’t escape from his past or his true character.

I’d still have smoochies with him though.

New York is so funny in that there are certain people you never run into–despite the fact that they may only live a block away from you–and then there are other people that you see all the freaking time.

For instance, I see this one dude from college all over the East Village. He was part of the whole Euro crowd (which was considered exotic and cool back then) and I would hang out with this crowd from time to time since we had mutual friends. And I quickly learned that if there is anything more annoying than cheesy euros it’s FAUX euros. (more…)

Whatever happened to The Strokes? I’m still waiting for Fabrizio Moretti to become my husband. Oh, the cruelty!

I love this song. It reminds me of pre-parties at 302. Drinking some kind of Hype Energy Drink/Vodka combination.

And then the night would evolve into this…

Circa 2004…EGADS!

I was reading a profile on playwright David Ives, and he said that he thinks Aristotle once said that witty people are witty because they are melancholy.

This is true. Witty people use comedy as a coping mechanism for their traumatic childhood!

Then he talks about what its like to write comedy:

Writing comedy is partly one way of amusing oneself. Cheering yourself up. Here you are, sitting in a room all alone…you might as well have a witty conversation as a serious one.

Sooooo I’m working on a new play! And I hate telling people I’m working on a play because this inevitably leads to them asking “What’s it about?” and you end up looking like a fool because you have a nebulous idea in your head but you’re ill equipped for those ideas to take shape and come out of your mouth. And you give an answer that’s sorta like “Well, it’s about this girl who has to, like, figure stuff out…”

So forming these nebulous ideas have consumed most of my free time– and my blogging time–which explains my lack of contact with the outside world. I like to get up around six, when it’s still dark out and too early to check your email, work on a few scenes, drink a cup of coffee, take a shower, edit those scenes in my head while I’m showering and end up forgetting if I shampooed or not, and then come out and edit those scenes and make it out the door for work. If I’m not tired in the evenings, then I’ll work on it some more.

And what is this all for? Who knows. I’m gonna take an existentialist approach and trust that this will all have meaning in the end.

I went shopping yesterday and bought a ridiculously extravagant blazer. It’s beautiful. I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. I put it on and I instantly felt like a rapscallion! Anyway, I bought it as a promise to myself to keep writing. Most people like to reward themselves AFTER they’ve accomplished something and I like to buy items for incentive. Whatevs.

Oh, and I treated myself because I’ve been feeling like utter poop the past couple of days. I went to Suffern on Saturday and came back to the city with a horrible welt on the back of my leg. I figured it was just a bad reaction to a mosquito bite. Maybe the mosquitos in Suffern are just mosquitos ON STEROIDS. But the next morning the rash had spread so I went to see my doctor and he told me it was a tick bite.

A TICK!!!

This is why I loathe nature.

So he prescribed me an ointment that is usually given to people with staph infections and some antibiotics. Oh, and these are the same antibiotics that are used to treat chlamydia and gonorrhea. Ho ho ho. If I had an std and didn’t know then this would be a great way of killing two birds with one stone!

And a note to future guys who may come into my bedroom: The antibiotics are for a tick bite! Okay? Tick. Not dick.

Moving on…


I spent two nights in Park Slope last week to celebrate the first year of Park Slope Night!

Park Slope night consists of me and Sabbie having crazy shenanigans in Brooklyn. On Thursday night we managed to drink a bottle of wine each before 9 PM. We had dinner at an Italian restaurant nearby and caused such madcap pandemonium that the next night we walked past it and the host recognized us and asked if we’d like our “regular table.”

Later we went to Barbes where there were only like 4 people in the entire bar. We went to the piano and played Chopsticks. Sabs kept calling the bartender Alfredo even though his name is like Frank or something. Then she lit a receipt on fire. Then she made me do a lemon drop shot (which I don’t remember doing) I don’t remember coming back to her place and that is because I was sleepwalking. Sabs had to literally undress me and change me into pajamas. The only problem was that she couldn’t figure out how to unzip my outfit and she kept asking how to do it and all I did was roll my head and go back to sleep (this is not unlike how I interact with guys I bring home LYLAS).

Then the next night we went to Moto in Williamsburg and listened to Dixie Land whilst drinking wheat beers and eating creamy mashed potatas. Then we went to Union Hall in Park Slope and played bocce ball and ended up being the last two people at the bar.

Anyway, it was very fun to have those two rambunctious nights only to have them bite me in the ass at the end of the weekend. Literally. But I think it’s good. I needed a bite in the ass to get me back to work. And the good thing about being on antibiotics is that I can’t drink for two weeks. Yeah, the only way I will abstain from drinking is for medical purposes.

And then yesterday I got this random phone call from an unknown number and usually I don’t pick up numbers I don’t recognize (god knows how many random people I am avoiding) but for some reason I answered it. And it turned out to be this woman I babysat for all throughout college. Her husband is a theater producer and currently getting a play on Broadway. And her first question was, “Are you writing a play?”

It was great to hear from her. I hadn’t seen or talked to her in about seven years. She said her daughter and her friends still talk about me. And now her daughter is applying to college. EGADS! I feel old. I remember when I helped her with her multiplication homework and now she’s doing her SATs.

Anyway, I’m gonna take her phone call as a sign from the universe. That maybe I’m on the right track? Maybe I am meant to write this play? And maybe one day I can actually say “I’m a genius!” without a hint of irony?

Haha okay I won’t get ahead of myself.

So I’m not sure how often I’ll be bloggin now but if you haven’t already you should sign up for my feed. That way you’ll save time and you won’t have to keep checking back to see if I’ve updated anything. Actually, it’s more for my sake and I won’t feel bad for not updating.

Till we blog again. LYLAS!