I’m a Jinius

My life is so boring now that I don’t drink to the point of blacking out. I’m thinking of starting a new blog. Here are some ideas that have been stewing.

1. Li’l Kim-chee
This would be the title. I have no idea what it would be about. I just love the name! Maybe I would just write about hip hop, r&b, and Korean food.

2. Hell is other people
I think this is pretty self explanatory.

3. A foreign policy blog for young people… 30 is still young right?
I’d like to write a fopo blog but I’m kinda scared that it would get me in trouble at work. But all the other fopo blogs out there are really wonky and old boys clubby and mine would be more light hearted and fun. And I wouldn’t use a Gawkerish voice but make it more my sense of humor–like the notes I used to pass in highschool making fun of my teachers. I mean, other people must be interested in the dreamy but Lilliputian Dmitry Medvedev right?

Putin: If you don’t make me your Prime Minister I will cut off your left testicle. Oh, and Good Will Hunting is the most overrated movie ever.

(Ed note: I originally wrote this for Salon.com a couple of years ago. Hence, the lofty language. But the editor killed my piece because of…the lofty language. Yeah, it took me a while to develop my blog speak. Please read Coney Island is for Murderers to see how far I’ve come!!!)

I came to this country from South Korea when I was two. I learned English by watching cartoons. I graduated from a Seven Sister School. I watch MTV. I work as a writer in Manhattan. My younger brothers are U.S. born citizens and my parents received their green cards three years ago. Ignoring my affinity for cable television, you could say I’m an embodiment of the American dream.

Except I’m not American. (more…)

I’m over on indie bloggers today. It’s a great site that promotes the writing of bloggers and reminds us of what blogging used to be like before giants like Gawker media and HuffPo colonized the web (but if they weren’t around what would I read at work?) Seems that bloggers are yearning for a return to narrative and strong content and sites like Indiebloggers are bringing that back. So yay!

And you guys should definitely contribute. You don’t even have to be a blogger and you can submit anonymously. So if there’s any writing you’ve been working on and have been reluctant to divulge the details of your private life on the interweb– unlike some people *cough*–then here is your chance.

Always Funny

1. Jokes about the old, the dumb, and the morbidly obese
2. 30 Rock
3. Billy Cohen
4. Men who wear Axe
5. Men in lycra
6. Diarrhea stories..especially those involving people you dated
7.People who sing Whitney Houston’s “I believe the children are the future”
8. Kids who eat too much glucose and have no necks
9. Unmarried women over the age of 40
10.People who fall on the street
11. People who cry in public
12. God…you have to admit, he does have a Jane Austenian sense of humor


Never Funny
1.Sitcoms on CBS
2. Getting hit on by creepy white guys
3. People who still say “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

Sometimes Funny
1. The TV show Friends…before Matthew Perry got fat
2. Fart jokes…they have to be told at the right time, like at dinner
3. The first ten ammendments of the Constitution
4. Rape…unless you’re imitating someone raping someone, then it’s hilarious
5. Racist jokes…unless you’re a minority, then it’s hilarious

1. Friends
My friends are crazy. They are hilarious. They are the type of people that can start a dance party in the middle of the Catskills with nothing but an ipod and a bottle of whiskey. And they are the reason I write everyday. Every writer has a muse and I have many muses. I don’t think I would even have this blog if it weren’t for their encouragement. They remind me to be the best version myself everyday. I really don’t know what I’d do without them. I’d probably sit at home and watch re-runs of Frasier. Or Designing Women.

2. Apartment
I know it’s a material thing but sometimes it amazes me that I actually pay the rent and have my own apartment. Like a grown up. When I was younger, I always dreamed about living in New York, some place like soho or the west village because those were the places in the movies, and now I’m living here. Maybe I should have imagined myself living in a chateau in France. Drats.

3. Health
Sure I had that scare earlier and I’m still waiting to get a second opinion, but either than that I’m grateful that I can eat, change clothes, and go to the bathroom without assistance.

4. Writing
Ms. Davis was my fifth grade English teacher. She was the first person to tell me that I was a good writer. She once made me get up in front of the class and read my short story about this girl Cami who solved mysteries in her neighborhood. I was totally ripping off Nancy Drew but thank god Ms. Davis didn’t see through that. I’m really grateful to have something that I’m passionate about. Writing to me is like a muscle that I have to exercise. If I don’t write each day I get that not so fresh feeling.

5. Fried Chicken
Whoever invented this was a freaking genius.

6. Chocolate covered banana from Something Sweet bakery
Whenever I feel like treating myself I grab a treat from this bakery. It is just fun walking down the street with a chocolate covered phallus in your mouth.

7. 30 Rock
Tina Fey consistently raises the bar on good television writing.Did you guys watch last night’s episode? I watched it alone and I totally laughed outloud like a crazy person. My favorite part was Tracy Morgan’s character talking about how he messed up a performance of The Star Spangled Banner: “I didn’t know it had so many words. It was like a Mos Def CD!”

More favorite moments:

jack: don’t you invest money?
liz: I have about 12k in my checking account.
jack: what are you an immigrant?

tracy: Is it because I did that 227 movie? New Jackee City?

I guess it’s weird to be grateful for a tv show. But when you live for pop culture, maybe it’s not so weird.

8. My memory
I used to have a prodigious memory that has now been eroded by years of alcohol and lack of sleep. But I still have a talent for recognizing B-list celebrities and reality tv stars on the street.

9. The internet
Seriously, what did we used to do on Sunday nights? Monday mornings? And Fridays at 4 A.M.?

10. My brain
I could be smarter. But, then again, I could have been dumber!

There’s a gypsy saying that goes “the first person to confess is the first one to lose.”

The first time I confessed was the night of my cousin’s wedding. My boyfriend at the time was going to come up to New York and be my date. We were about ten months into the relationship and neither of us had said “I love you.” I would have been content with a variation of the phrase like “I lurf you” or even “I luv you”. But there was nothing! Was I just supposed to sign off emails with xoxo for another ten months?

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to say it first. When we first started dating he was the one who officially asked “will you be my girlfriend?” as if we were in elementary school and passing folded notes. So maybe it was my turn to confess. I wasn’t even sure if I was in love. I was taking the chinatown bus every other weekend to see him. If two hours of traveling in a chinatown bus is not love than I don’t ever want to date again. (more…)

I feel like I’ve finally paid off the karmic debt from last year. A little bit of background: I was sorta seeing a guy friend. I left him and went back to my ex-boyfriend.  Then guy said  he never wanted to talk to me again (or something like that). A year later, I had the exact same thing happen to me ( or something like that). Karma’s a bitch. And the gods have an interesting sense of humor.

Now I should have a clean karmic slate, right?  My friend Sabbie says that karma is really just about positive thinking. And that he’s the one that should have bad karma now. That’s right. Don’t the buddhists believe that one should also be compassionate and understanding?

Anyway, I’m turning (gulp) twenty-eight in a couple of weeks. I’m going to tell people I’m twenty-five because the first three years of my life don’t really count. I mean, if you can’t talk, eat, or go to the bathroom without assistance, then are you really living? So, yeah, I’m turning twenty-five. Or twenty-eight if you believe in technicalities.

Like break-ups, there is something about another birthday that makes you re-evaluate your life. I can’t believe I’m going to be almost thirty.  I really thought I’d be knocked up with a book deal by now. What happened? Oh, I know my “twenties’ happened. That decade of booze, bad boyfriends, and…booze.

If karma really is about positive thinking then I’m going to positively believe that this is the year for me. My friend Vic likes to say “word sound is power”. If I ever said anything negative about myself like “Oh, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have children” she would yell at me and tell me not say that out loud because if you start believing those negative thoughts then those thoughts start to manifest in your life. Like the Pygmalion effect or self-fulfilling prophecy.

So I guess I’ll remain positive while I cry a tear in my green tea martini on my birthday. But if I could maintain my good karma or positive thinking or however you like to call it, then this would be my wish list for the next couple of years:

1. I would be working professionally as a writer.
2. I would have a house, with a pool, and a tree house. I’ve always wanted a tree house. I guess I’m too old for one now but I would build one for my unborn children.
3.  Oh, yeah, I would have children.
4. I would have girls because they are so much easier to raise than boys. Trust me, I have two younger brothers.
5. But I would not have kids until I made it as a writer first.
6. I guess I would need a husband.
7. Okay, so I’d have a house, kids, and a husband
8. And we’d live in a town where I didn’t have to drive
9. Or I could learn how to drive
10. And I’d learn how to cook. Or I’d go to Whole Foods and buy those pre-made meals
11. Oh, yeah, I’d have to live near a Whole Foods
12. I would have kids with a good sense of humor. I really hope I don’t have boring kids.
13. I guess this means I would have to marry someone with a good sense of humor so that our humor genes could combine and create comedically gifted children.
14. I hope I don’t have ugly kids.
15. Ideally I’d like to write full-time so I could work from home. If I never had to work in an office and with other people again then that would be too soon. I am not a team player. I do not play well with others. So being an anti-social writer would be my ideal work environment.

If I still have this blog a couple of years now, it’ll be interesting to see how much of this list actually comes true. I think it’s good that I aimed high. My aim is not so good so by aiming high I might just aim it right in the bulls eye.

women with facial hair
men in spandex
children with crossed eyes
scar removal commercials
blind people crossing busy intersections
awkward silences
passengers who roll their eyes at wheelchair bound people getting on the bus
poverty
men with absurdly long toe nails
offensive body odor
anything with the word “gynecological”
animal tricks
ugly babies

I’m taking a screenwriting class at New School and have been doing writing exercises instead of blogging.

Part of the writing process is figuring out your influences and favorite and least favorite movies. This helps carve out your own voice. So the following is a little list of favorites and influences. I’m dong stream of consciousness here so there may be some that are not exactly crowd pleasers.

General influences: Steve Martin, Woody Allen, Tina Fey, Chuck Klosterman, Chevy Chase, Jennifer Aniston on Friends, Shirley Maclaine, Neil Simon, David Ives, David Mamet, Christopher Durang, Wendy Wasserstein, the humor section in Reader’s Digest

TV influences: Golden Girls, Laverne and Shirley, Alice, One Day at a Time, Love Boat, Different Strokes, All My Children, Growing Pains, Full House, Friends, Curb Your Enthusiasm, In Living Color, Cosby Show, Saved by the bell, Spoonie Luv Crank Yankers sketch, Moonlighting, Roseanne, Who’s the Boss, Remington Steele, SNL, Married with Children

Movie influences: Annie Hall, When Harry Met Sally, Hannah and her Sisters, Moonstruck, 40 Year Old Virgin, Jerry Maguire (I never thought the romance angle was believable but I liked the dialogue), Terminator 2, Beautiful Girls, Bend it like Beckham, Meet the Parents, Punch Drunk Love, Sideways, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,  Bridget Jones, Sliding Doors

I’ve had better service at Chipotle.

On Sunday, I meet up with Meredith and a fellow blogger friend visiting from out of town at Momofuku Ssam bar in the East Village. (No, I don’t always casually meet up with people I know from the internet. We have a friend in common.)

It is a rainy, humid Sunday. The kind of weather that compels you to stay indoors and endure many hours of top chef re-runs. Or it’s also the perfect weather to consume a wrap the size of a football.

We enter Ssam bar and plant ourselves at one of the sleek, dark wooden booths and wait for a waiter, host, busboy, ANYONE to acknowledge us. After about 15 minutes of circling our heads like the exorcist and making eyes at people who resemble servers, we finally have a gentleman approach our table and inform us that they don’t have table service during lunch and that we have to place our orders at the counter.

Okay, it’s Sunday afternoon and we’re not the most well-rested and cognizant people on the planet, but it would have been nice to have a sign placed somewhere in our vicinity announcing this. And they do have an “order here” sign but it’s placed at the counter which is on the opposite of the entrance.

So we go up to the counter and there are like 10 people working behind it and they all look they are ready to punch eachother and the customers. Even though there are more people working behind the counter than people waiting in line for food, it takes forever just to place an order.

A ssam is analogous to a burrito. I ordered the Momofuku ssam which is a thin flour pancake with berkshire pork, rice, edamame, and pickled vegetables. The ingredients look like they have been sitting out since Saturday night. The pork resembles stringy doll hair and there is more oil spilling out of it than the Exxon Valdez.

Nevertheless, I order a ssam, a pork bun, and a Smart Water. The total comes out to 20 dollars.

We finally sit and eat our ssam. Despite the suspicious looking ingredients the ssam is really tasty. I wish the pork were a little warmer but I guess that’s what happens when you order at the counter. There is ALOT of oil though. By the time I finish the entire ssam I have a mountain of napkins beside me. And my elbow is so greasy you could use it as a slip and slide. Interestingly, Meredith and Blogger Friend don’t seem to have this problem so maybe I am just a very sloppy eater.

All in all the ssam is tasty and very filling. You will feel like a pregnant woman when you are done. It’s actually big enough to share between two people. The service is sub par but maybe it’s different during dinner time. I’m not sure if Meredith will go back. She says, “Chipotle could dance circles around Ssam bar.”

But if you like ordering food from people who act like they are serving food at a high security prison, then Ssam bar is the Sunday destination for you.