It is rainy in nyc today and of course, OF COURSE, a cab whizzed by me and drenched me in puddle water. It’s like they see you from yards away and intentionally speed up so they can ruin your coat. Bastards.

This past work week has been nothing short of hellacious. And the next two weeks will be even worse. The good thing though is that I am going to this conference at the end of the month for “young leaders” in my industry. I’m still considered young! Awesome! But, seriously, I’m really ecstatic. It’s nice to see that sometimes people recognize you for your work. So in my spare time I’ve been prepping for the conference because, unfortunately, people also recognize when your work is shitty.

And then last night I got into a little tiff with my youngest brother, who’s visiting me next month with his girlfriend, and he asked if I wanted to say hi to his girlfriend and I’ve never talked to the girl in my life and I was exhausted so I flatly said, “No. I’m tired.”

Then his voice became tremulous and he asked what was wrong. I had to get off the phone.

Even though I have two brothers, sometimes I really feel like I’m the dude in the family. And I’m constantly telling my brothers to grow a pair and stop being so sensitive. And forget it if you’re needy. That is the worst offense.

I don’t even know how we switched these gender roles. I was reared on disney cartoons and 80s sitcoms that instilled the idea that women should just coddle their male counterparts. My brothers played Mike Tyson’s Punchout and watched Steven Segal movies. And then one day my brothers just wanted to talk about their feelings. And I just became impervious to their feelings. Ugh. Your feelings? Again? We just talked about them last week!

Then that makes me wonder if that’s why I always pursue guys who don’t give me any attention.

And then I realize I am so fucked up.

After I got off the phone with my brother, I got a text from him that said, “hope you feel better, love you, and miss you.”

And that almost made me cry.

Maybe you don’t have tolerance for vulnerability in other people because you are acutely aware of your own sensitivity.

And it’s funny because I was talking about this with my girlfriend and we were commiserating about how we become less attracted to guys when they act all emo but when something happens to us we’re deeply affected.

Maybe we’re all just crab people–hard shells and a soft inside.

I’m trying to be a better sister though. I texted my brother back. I couldn’t say I love you. That would have required too much emotion on my part. But I did tell him I was excited to see him in May.

I should have texted: Love ya like a sista!