Some days I have this fear that I’m going to die alone. This fear usually occurs on Sunday afternoons when I’m watching a repeat of Top Chef Season One for the umpteenth time. But I think I finally realized why I have this fear.

So I have this recurring nightmare that I’m sleeping in bed and the phone in my apartment rings, the answering machine picks up, and this man leaves a message saying “I’m going to break into your apartment.”

It’s always a man’s voice in these dreams. Upon hearing this, I try to get out of bed and lock the front door but I can’t get out of the bed. My body refuses to move. I panic. I cry. I try to scream but nothing comes out. And finally I muster up every last bit of strength to get out of bed and lock the front door seconds before the intruder tries to come in. Then I wake up.

After having this dream for the past month or so, I look it up in a dream dictionary:

To dream that you are locking doors, suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear.

This makes sense. You don’t want to have someone come in, ransack your apartment, and steal all your shit. And when you’ve had so many people steal your shit in the past, you develop some defense mechanisms. And keep people at an arm’s length. Like pursuing guys who don’t live in the same city as you. Or dating guys who don’t want to be in a relationship. Or ending relationships out of fear that the other person will end it first.

Whenever I see him (which is not often) I feel like I’m having a heart attack. It’s really hard to appear calm when you are convinced that your heart will leap out your throat. Instead, you veil the awkwardness with stupid jokes and too many pints of beer. And when he makes a joke, you laugh a little too loudly. And you talk about your favorite ramen restaurant in the city instead of saying what you really feel. Which seems inappropriate to say at a pub. And drunk. And for that one evening, you smile as if nothing ever happened and you go your separate ways.

Then you go home and and eat everything in your kitchen that doesn’t require utensils and convince yourself that you will die alone.

It is usually my guy friends who ask”Why didn’t you just ask how he felt before ending it?” My girl friends don’t ask these questions–it’s already intuitive to them. Because sometimes you would rather risk losing someone than hearing them say, “I don’t feel the same way.” Because when you’ve heard those words so many times before, you don’t want to put yourself through that again.

Hmmmm, in retrospect, I realize this may not have been the most rational decision.

So what’s a girl supposed to do? Stay a prisoner in your own home? Watch Top Chef forever? Make a reference to a Judy Collins song? I love the lyrics to Judy Collins’ The Albatross. I remember hearing it for the first time in highschool and being haunted by the line:

The embroid’ry of your life holds you in
And keeps you out but you survive
Imprisoned in your bones
Behind the isinglass windows of your eyes

Okay, someone stop me before I start quoting lines from The Bell Jar.