There’s so much serious stuff going on in the world today.

Bombings in Algiers.
Hotels in Rwanda.
Human rights violations in China.

But I know you people only read this blog while procrastinating at work. So I’ll refrain from the serious talk. Instead, lets talk about another grave issue that is happening to women today. A serious epidemic that must be curtailed!

I’m talking about being dickmatized.

You’ve seen the look. That beatific look on your friend’s face. Her eyes wide and waxy as she tells you that her boyfriend has cheated on her for the third time. But she loves him. In fact, she just booked them two tickets to Hawaii. The problem? She’s been dickmatized.

Or you call your friend in another city and ask if you can stay with her when you visit. She says she has to check with her man first because he might be sleeping over. JIGGA WHAT? Girl, you’ve been dickmatized.

Or you’re Magic Johnson’s wife and you just find out that your husband has been sleeping with prostitutes and has contracted an incurable disease and you stay anyway. Girl, you’ve been dickmatized. Or just paid alot of money.

It happens to all women. When the booty is so good that she is willing to abandon all composure and self respect and do stupid shit in order to cater to her dick wizard. Or dickorcerer. Or dickwarlock. I could do this all day, folks. What is it about this anatomical part that casts such a wicked spell on women? That convinces us that we are in love with this person? Is it because a dick sort of resembles a wand? If so, then that is hi-larious. Do women have an analogous part? Can we bewitch men with our bosoms? If so, then I’m out of luck. Flat as a board.

I first heard about being dickmatized from my friend Fab. She heard about it on the radio. I know technically it should be dicknotized but dickmatized just sounds much more hi-larious.

So how can we break free from this potent spell? And avoid doing the walk of shame when we should be doing the walk of victory! Well, the first step would be TO TURN OFF YOUR PHONE. I’ve seen too many women literally sleep with their cell phone in case he calls in the middle of the night. The call of the cell phone is just a siren call to your early death! Stay away from the phone!

My second advice would be…um…who am I kidding? Once a woman is dickmatized it could be weeks or months before she is cognizant of her playa’s true ways. I should know. I was dickmatized throughout college. Those are four years of my life that I will never get back. Four or six years.

But dickmatism can be treatable if the symptoms are spotted early on.

Symptoms include:
Switching from the personal pronoun “I” to the pronoun “We”.
Breaking plans with girlfriends to hangout with the dickwarlock
Constantly checking emails
Constantly texting
Watching Sportschannel

I’m off to Miami tomorrow for the weekend. If my plane goes down, I’m proud that my last post is about…cock.