There’s a gypsy saying that goes “the first person to confess is the first one to lose.”

The first time I confessed was the night of my cousin’s wedding. My boyfriend at the time was going to come up to New York and be my date. We were about ten months into the relationship and neither of us had said “I love you.” I would have been content with a variation of the phrase like “I lurf you” or even “I luv you”. But there was nothing! Was I just supposed to sign off emails with xoxo for another ten months?

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to say it first. When we first started dating he was the one who officially asked “will you be my girlfriend?” as if we were in elementary school and passing folded notes. So maybe it was my turn to confess. I wasn’t even sure if I was in love. I was taking the chinatown bus every other weekend to see him. If two hours of traveling in a chinatown bus is not love than I don’t ever want to date again.

The nigh of my cousin’s wedding seemed like an appropriate time. It was the first time my Korean relatives met him and they loved him. And my Korean relatives don’t like anyone…especially white boyfriends. I saw it as a sign. There is nothing like a seal of approval from your relatives to make you love someone more. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends…and family.

When it was time to go home, it started pouring. We caught a cab on the lower east side. The windows were misty and the inside of the cab was hot and humid. Still high from the champagne buzz, I turned to him and said, “I love you.” He looked at me and said, “What?” I hesitated. “Um, I said I love you.” He responded, “Oh.”

His response was not exactly how I thought he’d react when I was rehearsing it in my head. I knew I shouldn’t have the been the first to say it. There are just some things that men should be the first one to do in a relationship. They should be the one to ask you out first. They should say I love you first. And they should die first.

The rest of the weekend was awkward. I mean, there’s nothing like unreciprocated love to place a gulf between people.

He later said, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” That is such a guy thing to say!!! My friend Anthony used to say the same thing about his girlfriend. When I pressed Anthony on what this meant, he explained, “It’s different. Loving someone and being IN love with someone. I love my parents, my brother, my friends but I’m not IN love with them. You should be in love with the person you’re in a relationship with.”

I didn’t like his answer so I asked for a professional opinion–my therapist at the time. She told me that “being in love” is not really love but an infatuation. Many guys mix up the two. When you think you’re in love with someone you get the butterfly in the stomach/can’t live without you feeling. But that’s not real love.

I decided to ask for another guy’s opinion.

Me: (crying) He (hiccup) said he doesn’t (waaaaaaah) love me…waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Boy: I can’t understand what you’re saying.

Me: I told him I love him and he didn’t say anything back. What do I do?

Then he told me I should break up with him. If he don’t love you by now, he ain’t ever gonna love you.

But he did say it. A couple of months later. We were in bed. It was evening. I guess I should have felt relieved or excited but the sentiment seemed a little stale by then.

It’s raining today. Funny how the weather reminds you of things that happened another lifetime ago.