My friends and I did a summer share at Fire Island over the weekend. Summer shares are always interesting because you are taken out of your tiny Manhattan apartment and placed in a house with about twenty people. Some of them strangers. It’s like MTV’s Real World. Only we pay money for it.

Rachel and Meredith did the same share last year and warned me about a certain house guest named CapTan Dan, a moniker bequeathed to this figure for his tan skin. It is insane.

CapTan Dan is kinda like Owen Wilson’s character in You, Me, and Dupree only without the looks, sense of humor, and slim figure. I suppose the only thing he shares with Dupree’s character is his infallible ability to remain home all day. Did I mention that he rented this house to us? I thought renters were just supposed to rent their share to guests. I didn’t realize that they were also a guest. But Dan is harmless. (Unless you’re threatened by men who wear shirts without sleeves and have a shark fin tattoo on their leg.) And Dan was also a good topic of conversation for people in the house. He unified the group in that we all knew nothing about him or why he was there.

I guess there was just something about Dan that rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it’s because he looks like the kinda guy that would literally rub you the wrong the way. In the middle of the night. While you’re asleep.

Or maybe it was his blatant display of ripping us off. There were 14 guests in a 4 bedroom house. The other four guests were renters that he booked for the same weekend. Each room had about two twin beds and a bunk bed. It was kinda like being at camp…a refugee camp. I’m pretty sure that the sheets and blanket on my bed came from the Astrodome. Yes, I had bedding that was used by residents displaced by Hurricane Katrina. There was still sand in it. And pieces of human hair. I’m convincing myself that it was hair from their head and not a vagrant pube.

I also made the mistake of not bringing my own towel. I managed to not take a shower for three days. Oh, except on the last day my friend Balint was nice enough to lend me the towel he had been using all weekend. The same towel he used at the beach and showered with. So when I took a shower and patted myself dry with his towel, I came out dirtier

Okay, so I’m setting this story up like it’s the beginning of a bad reality show but I ended up having one of the best weekends of my summer. Because when you’re vacationing, it’s not about the house but the people you are with. Unfortunately, one of those people happened to be a big, burly man with tan skin. Insanely tan skin.

Day 1

I’m pretty easygoing when it comes to vacations but there is a certain PEMDAS that I must follow in order to have a good time. First, eat breakfast by the water. Second, go in the water. Third, pass out on the beach. Fourth, drink by the water. And finally, eat barbecue.

Will I complete my summer order of operations? Or will CapTan Dan foil my plans? FOIL!!! Get it?! Algebra joke? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I need new writers.

On our first night, we have margaritas at the Inn Between and then go back home and play a Jew Off. It’s like Jeopardy only we ask questions about Jew-ish trivia.

Question:What is the name of the circumcision ceremony?
Answer: Ummm, Jerry Seinfeld?

To be fair to our blonde haired, blue eyed, madras short wearing brethren (obvs these were the other 4 renters in the house who were not part of our group), we also have a Wasp Off.

Question: What is in a Dark and Stormy?
Answer: Ummm, Tommy Hilfigger?

After our trivia games, everyone goes out drinking but V and I stay in because we are old and tired.

At about 3 Am, I am stirred from sleep. CapTan Dan is in the living room and screaming for this girl to come out of her room and have a drink with him. For the next thirty minutes all I hear is, “C’mooooon have a drink with me. Pleeeeeaaaaase come out and drink with me.”

For the love of god, will someone just please go out there and have a drink with him?!?! Fuck, I’ll even go out and drink with him. Anything to put him out of his misery.

Between CapTan Dan’s plaintive pleading and me trying to avoid direct contact with the sheets, I have trouble sleeping. It is pretty hard to levitate and fall asleep at the same time. Also, I am itching like crazy. I am praying that my flesh is not being consumed by Fire Island scabies.


Day 2

I wake up early and go wash my face. I let my face air dry because I’m afraid if I use the towel in the bathroom, my face will get gonorrhea.

Vidya and I grab egg sandwiches from Flynns and go to the beach.

I don’t know if you guys have been to Fire Island but it has the most beautiful beach in all of New York. And I’m a Miami girl so you know I’m snobby about my beaches. This is what we’re really paying for. When you see crystal blue water lapping the pristine sand, you can feel all your worries subside. Like insanely tan men who scream for girls to come out of their room in the middle of the night.

Can you believe we were just about six houses away from this?


In the afternoon, me, Vid, and Balint decide to walk to Ocean Beach and drink on the pier. We do this for about six hours. Balint says this will go in his memory as being the best part of the weekend. I can understand why. We philosophize on life, work, current events, and The Real World Season Five

As we all know, after drinking for six hours, it is invariable that I will become ravenous. I’m like those zombies in 28 Days Later. Fortunately, we return to the house and there is a full on barbecue feast. I eat about twenty pounds of barbecued chicken and my plate is just a monolith of chicken carcasses. (Special thanks to Elan for preparing this ode to barbecue. Uh, I hope you weren’t looking forward to leftovers.)

Then everyone starts playing beer pong. I, however, do not participate because I’m gnawing on my tenth barbecued chicken. Meredith’s eye suddenly swells up like a Bloomin’ Onion. She thinks its because I accidentally spit chicken juice in her eye.

Balint says Meredith’s eye got that way because God is punishing her for being Jewish.

Meredith still thinks it’s the chicken

I pass out

Day 3

I wake up with barbecue stains on my face, arms, and dress. I am also still wearing my bathing suit underneath. And I have bites all over my legs. It must be scabies.

At least it’s not gonorrhea.

We all go back to the beach and take in the sun and ocean before having to head back to our urban jungle. I am reluctant to head back to the city. I am enjoying the slow pace of Fire Island. I even have a conversation with CapTan Dan that is not half bad. If it weren’t for CapTan Dan, I wouldn’t know that a blackjack is a concealable club that could knock a man unconscious.

But, alas, all good weekends must come to an end.

So I came back from Fire Island all tan and relaxed, without a care in the world. Oh, and I am pretty sure that I also came back with scabies.

Drats.