-I am so dehydrated and my skin looks like it’s been left in a deep fryer for days. Something tells me that I will not be winning the affections of Fabrizio any time soon. Oh, the cruelty!

-I went out with a guy friend last night. I’ll call him “John”. So John and I start off at Spitzers and our bartender is a crackhead. Literally. She shows us these stitches in her head and keeps telling us she feels like fainting. Being the compassionate people that we are, we tell her to go to the hospital but not before getting us another round of drinks.

-I order the BLt & E. It is just so insanely good. INSANE!

-John orders the Kobe burger well done. Seriously? People, do not hang out with me if you’re going to order a burger well done. I’m too tired to expound on this logic but just take my word for it. He says that he dislikes bloody meat. OMG, I order my steaks medium rare and prefer my plate to look like I just murdered someone.

-John also tells me that he went out with a BBW. What the hell is that, I ask? He answers: A Big, Beautiful, Woman.

-Oh, Jesus.

-So he tells me that sleeping with a fat girl is the best thing ever. That it’s kind of like screwing a duvet. Umm, I don’t know if I would like that but I’m pretty sure that I would have no trouble falling asleep. He also says, “They’re built for comfort not for speed.” Yes, he is referring to an anatomical part. And, yes, I nearly spit out my rosaaaaay.

- I have been drinking so much rosaaaay that my piss is pink. That is so gross yet so hilarious!

-There are no cute guys at Spitzers. There is one cute guy next to me but he is wearing boat shoes and NOT in an ironic way.

-On a side note, David Duchovny checked himself into rehab for sex addiction. WTF? Do people really get treatments for that shit? Do they make you watch birthing videos?Because that would get me to stop having sex.

-After Spitzers, we stroll into Pianos. I say hi to Billy and Boo who are playing tunes upstairs. I run into Alex and Balint. I think I saw Balint. He kinda looks like David Duchovny but with an early nineties haircut. Just TRY to picture it.

-So I texted The Bearded Guy:

Got your message. I’m not mad. Just started seeing an ex again so haven’t been going out. Take care.

I decided to respond because my strategy of continued silence was clearly not working. And I decided to fib because it was easier than saying: LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE!!!!!

I’ve always wanted to pretend I was in Cape Fear.

So,yeah, I lied. I’m not proud of it. And on the list of things I’ve done in my life that I am not proud of, this one would be number 533, 398. This is right up there with that time in college when I drunk dialed this dude and left a profoundly long message.

Yeah, not only did I call him. BUT I LEFT A MESSAGE!!!!

-Anyway, I have not been able to assuage my guilt. And my feelings of guilt amplified even more when he texted back:

Oh I’m sorry i have been kind of stupid lately. i lost a good friend recently and have been drinking a little too much lately. i should not have called you so late. i’m really sorry. your really fun to hangout with but i understand. im glad to know you are ok though.

I have three thoughts:

1. I am an asshole

2. Clearly he forgets telling me about his friend’s death.

3. I’m not really sure if a text message is an acceptable medium to bring up DEATH!


-I know, I know I’m so heartless buuuuuut…

-I’m going to hell. And if hell is showing up to work on no sleep then I’m already there.

-Oh, so I’m applying to grad school. RANDOM! I figure that my student loan debt is not insane enough so I’m applying for a masters in international relations. Because that’s a field that will make me a shit load of money. Ugh.

-I need to submit an academic writing sample. WTF. I think I’m gonna write an essay about the emergence of authoritarian regimes. Because I read an article about it in Foreign Affairs once. And now this means I have to sound like I know what I’m talking about. Ugh.

-This song captures how I feel today. Yes, I’m listening to The Strokes and going to Pianos. I’m stuck in the early ’00s. (That sentence just sounds wrong on so many levels.) Anyway, how HOT is Fabrizio in this video? It is INSANE!