In honor of VD, this week’s blog theme will be Modern Love. Today’s episode is about Match.com!

I am by no means an onling dating expert. I only did it for a couple of months and went out with two guys. I was also probs more picky than the average person. I got annoyed at guys who had spelling errors and typos in their profile. Um, yeah, don’t date bloggers.

But I culled tips and stories from my guy and girl friends who also did match.com and put together a comprehensive yet haphazard guide to popping your online dating cherry. Let’s just hope your cherry doesn’t explode like the Hindenburg.

So now I will pass on these stories and suggestions to you. Yes, dear readers, my friends and I date crazy people so you don’t have to.

Okay, you may ask yourself “why go out with someone on Match.com?” I mean, it’s a risky move–like investing in a junk bond. But sometimes online dating is helpful because it gives YOU the upper hand. You, dear reader, are selecting from a pool of people who all want to be selected.

I have to admit that when I first joined Match it was a bit of an ego boost. Within the first couple of hours after putting up my profile I had a bunch of emails in my inbox. But then I examined these men who were sending me emails and winks (winks are an innocuous way of saying hey I’m interested but if you don’t write back it won’t hurt my ego because I didn’t go out of my way to write you a message…more on winking later) and I noticed that half of these dudes didn’t even live in New York City. Most of them didn’t even live in the tri-state area!

I specifically put in my profile that I was only seeking men who lived in NYC. Why the hell were dudes in Virginia writing me??? Did they really think I was going to see them long distance?

So,yeah, be prepared to get messages from people who don’t live near you. And when you don’t answer them, be prepared to get second or third messages from them. That’s what I noticed about Match guys. They are persistent. I think it’s because most of them don’t even remember messaging you in the first place. They must just send out blanket messages to all the women on there.

Okay, so that’s the initial stage of Match. Now let’s get to the good part. How to determine if the elusive person behind the screen is your potential partner. Or potential nightmare.

1. Profile pictures are the most important part of the profile.
I repeat, profile pictures are the most important part of the match.comer’s profile. If the person only has one picture then… RUN! Run for the himalayas!

Who sets up an online dating profile and only puts up one fuzzy picture that shows one side of their face??? This person is either busted or computer illiterate because he/she doesn’t know how to upload photos. Either way, run like you’re being chased by zombies.

2. Make sure the person has shots of their face AND their figure. I once met a dude on Match who only had photos from the chest up. Rookie mistake. ROOKIE. MISTAKE.

We arranged to meet at a bar and I couldn’t recognize him because he was like 100 pounds heavier than what he portrayed in his photo!!!

Now I’m not dictating that you should reject someone just because he/she is overweight–hello I don’t exactly have Heidi Klum’s body–but I’m just saying you should be wary of false advertising. If they are being misleading about their weight, then what else are they hiding from you? That is what ultimately bothered me about this dude. He wasn’t just being shady about his weight, he also seemed like a disingenuous person.

3. Look out for euphemisms. If a person says that he/she is “currently freelancing” that is another way of saying “currently unemployed”.

4. Also look out for how they list their body type. If a girl describes herself as “athletic” that means she is a body double for Big Momma’s House. I know that sounds harsh but that was a complaint from my guy friends. What do they know? They’re on Match.com!

5. Be wary of people who seem overly boastful. Please, you can’t be that great when your ass is on match.com! For example, Mr. Chubs was always emailing about the fabulous parties he was going to and dropping celeb names like he was Perez Hilton.

6. People who say they live in New York don’t always live in New York. Yeah, fellas, don’t tell people you live in New York when you fucking live in Jersey. And just because you INTEND to move to New York does not mean that you are CURRENTLY LIVING in New York!!! Wtf?

Match should have some kind of verification test like photo copies of utility bills to prove one’s residence.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date guys who are from Jersey. But why would you want to date a guy who LIES about where he LIVES??? To avoid this mistake make sure to ask the guy what neighborhood he lives in.

7. Exchange a bunch of emails for at least a week and get his/her last name so you can google him! And he/she should have at least one social networking profile: facebook, myspace, fuck, even Friendster. I’m wary of people who don’t have at least one social networking profile yet is on match.com. If they’re on facebook or myspace you know that they at least have friends.

8. Be wary of bloggers.
Don’t date a blogger. Because then they will blog about you. Takes one to know one!

9. If you have a fake eye, you may want to drop a clue on your profile that you have a fake eye.
Yeah, my guy friend was supposed to meet up with this girl but he was looking at her pictures and couldn’t tell if she had a fake eye or not. I think he ended up cancelling the date. This really is not helpful at all but I just thought it was funny. Especially since the girl listed her best feature as her eyes.

10. Also be suspicious of people who look different in every picture.
Sure we all look different in photographs. It all depends on the angle and how many drinks you’ve consumed. But if you can’t determine the whole from the sum of the parts then maybe they are hiding something. Like their busted face!

11. What I found most interesting about match was that there only seemed to be two groups of guys: those who want to get married and find their soul mate (and actually write this on their profile ick!) and guys who just want to hook up. It was hard to find someone who was in the middle. So, in a way, online dating is really no different from real world dating. At least with online dating you don’t feel bad about ignoring people.

I hope that was helpful. If not, you may want to read my earlier blog post on the subject: So you want to do online dating