I really think that instead of sex-ed they should have taught us sex etiquette in high school. I mean, why the hell were they teaching us the function of a vas deferens? I don’t even remember what they are! And why do they conveniently glance over the condoms issue when guys our age fail to cover themselves in the heat of the moment?

Okay–maybe not all guys–but after consulting with my girlfriends I’ve derived that most single guys try to dive in your underwater paradise without a suit because they just assume you’re on the pill. Why the fuck would I be on the pill when I’m not having regular sex??? Do you think I would be this angry all the time?? No, I am not being emotional!!!!

And I noticed that guys don’t even care about stds, they’re more concerned about getting you pregnant. I guess movies like Knocked Up and Juno have created cause for concern. Look, you can always take care of a pregnancy. Herpes? He’s your friend for life. Your ride or die bitch. And not in a good way.

The pregnancy question always comes up at some point in the courtship and the guy is usually like “Well, would you have the baby? I mean–don’t all women have a biological clock?”

See, this is why sex etiquette would have come in handy. Because it is an affront to most women when guys just assume that WE ALL WANT to carry their spawn.

Let me break it down for you.  Yes, I have a biological clock that is missing a snooze button and yes, I like to post youtube videos with cute babies on a regular basis, but that does NOT mean that I’m just going to give up my job and my happy hours to have your illegitimate child!

When I have a baby it will be with someone who I am actually married to. And has a high IQ. (Hello, gotta ensure that I have a baby jinius.)

Talk about a real mood kill.

“Not tonight, honey, I’m too busy thinking about my future abortion.”