I went to work on Christmas Eve and didn’t kill myself. So as a reward I went to Mario Badescu for a celebratory- post-work-I-didn’t-kill-myself facial. I love Mario Badescu not only because their facials are less than a hundred dollars but the facialist told me I have skin like an 18 year old. So does this mean I can keep drinking like an 18 year old? Jaeger shots all around.

Then I met up with my favorite Miami Jews (Prom Date and Prom Date’s sister) to watch the Will Smith movie I am Legend.

Have you guys seen this movie?

Basically, it takes place in New York City where Will Smith appears to be the sole survivor of a viral infection that has wiped out humanity and the infected people turn into these cannibalistic zombies that seem to be dressed in tattered Gap khakis.

After seeing this movie, I came to the conclusion that all apocalyptic/zombie movies have the same survival lessons.

1. You must always carry a flash light because zombies are sensitive to high uv rays
2. You must be able to outrun zombies
3. You must be able to do pull-ups

So according to this list, I would probably be the first person to die in an apocalypse. It takes me 12 minutes to run a mile and I haven’t been able to do a pull up since the sixth grade. And how do I know that it is imperative to do a pull-up in the event of a zombie apocalypse? Well, there is an entire scene in the movie devoted to Will Smith just doing pull ups for like a half hour.

Inspired by the movie, I am embarking on the Zombie Work Out. I’m going to start running and learn how to do a pull-up in order to enhance my chances of fending off flesh eating zombies who apparently can run like Carl Lewis.

After the movie we met up with my other favorite Jew Meredith and went to Stanton Social where I am convinced that the waitress and bartender hated us because we all sent back our cocktails, complaining that they were devoid of flavor or any substantial amount of alcohol. Merry Christmas!

And then we went to a Jewish party at Drop Off Service. True Story. It was like 100 jews and 1 Korean. Sharing a cup. Ha.

At this point in the evening I was too drunk to flirt so I decided to leave and find pizza. On Christmas Eve. There were no pizza places open so I went home and ate a block of cheese. And a bag of chips. And popcorn. Um, I’m preparing my stomach for the zombie apocalypse.

On Christmas Day, the Jews and I went to Essex for their Christmas brunch special. For twenty dollars, you get 3 bloody marys or mimosas. Oh and you also get a meal.

Out waiter was a hot mess. The poor guy seemed very stressed out about working on Christmas Day and told us that the old lady sitting at the next table reminded him of his grandmother and he wanted to cry.

We were afraid of him.

Then the girls and I went to Cafe Mogador for coffee and sat at the bar where we started talking about sex and this guy sitting next to us asked the bartender if he could move to a table. Um, maybe I should change the name of this blog to “How to alienate people”.

And then Ursy and I went back to my apartment and watched FOUR HOURS OF THE OXYGEN CHANNEL.

This is just a horrible channel to watch because it just reinforces unhealthy ideals about men…like chivalry and rock hard abs.

We watched Moonstruck which is just my favorite romantic comedy of all time. The characters and dialogue are just so delicious and oh my god did you see Nicholas Cage’s biceps??? Like, seriously, how did men evolve from that to Michael Cera? Not that Michael Cera is not adorable in his geeky, awkward way but sometimes you want a man who looks like he can just club you over the head and take you back to his cave. Did I just set back the feminist movement by a million years?

I love that scene when Nicholas Cage is trying to convince Cher to come back to his apartment and she’s having second thoughts because she’s engaged to Nicholas Cage’s brother and Nicholas Cage gets all frustrated and angry and finally yells,

NOW I WANT YOU TO COME INTO MY APARTMENT AND GET INTO MY BED!!!!!

Sigh.

Why don’t men talk that way to women anymore?