Like most life altering conversations, this one started over IM.

GuyFriend: Hey, you there?
Jinius: Yeah…wudup?
GuyFriend: I need to tell you something. But I have to tell you after work.
Jinius: Um, is everything okay?
GuyFriend: Don’t worry. I just don’t want to do it over IM.

Okay, you know it’s bad when a friend doesn’t want to tell you something over instant messaging. I mean, I have all my serious convos over IM. I have broken up with people over IM. And don’t worry? Now you know it’s really bad. People only tell you not to worry when they want to make sure you won’t kill yourself at work.

I start running through all possible conversations in my head. Maybe he has cancer. Maybe he has to tell me that he’s in love with me. Or maybe this is some sick psychological experiment to see how little it takes to drive people crazy.

Work never seemed slower. This took place back in 2003, when we didn’t have The Huffington Post to distract us. All I had was a hotmail account.

So at the end of the day I rush home and pick up his phone call.

Guy friend: So, remember that time you were seeing insert guy name here.
Jinius: Um, yeah, that was a while ago…
Guy friend: Did you guys use protection?
Jinius: I think so…I don’t really remember…where is this going?
Guy friend: Well, he called me the other day. He told me he has an std. He thinks you gave it to him.

PAUSE

Jinius: What kind of std?
Guy friend: HPV.
Jinius: What the hell is HPV?
Guy friend: Okay, try to relax–
Jinius: Why does he think I gave it to him?
Guy friend: Because you were the last person he slept with.
Jinius: HE THINKS I GAVE HIM AN STD?!?!

When I was going through all the fake dialogues in my head, I never had the one involving a friend telling me I gave someone an STD.

Guy friend:I wanted to be the one to tell you. But don’t jump to conclusions before you get tested.
Jinius: MY LIFE IS OVER.
Guy friend: No, it’s not. Try to calm down.

He offers more comforting words but I can’t hear him over the sound of my wailing.

I don’t sleep that night. I mean, being accused of giving someone an std will disrupt your REM sleep for sure. It’s not like someone accusing you of passing gas. (WHICH IS NOT COOL EITHER BY THE WAY.) The accuser was a guy I only went out with a couple of times. It would have been really awkward for me to call him up and be like “Hey, are you sure I gave you those warts?”

I couldn’t believe after all the years of sex-ed and watching And the Band Played On, I may have contracted an std. I mean, I’m from a good family. I went to a seven sister school. I’M ASIAN. Asian people don’t get stds! Just bird flu!

I pictured myself doing one of those personal essays for Marie Claire: I am the face of HPV.

I start logging onto WebMD. Checking to see if I have any of the symptoms. “Cauliflower like bumps”. Oh, god, why can’t these doctors think of better descriptions than comparing warts with WHITE FLORETS???

I finally see a doctor. He tries to pacify me, “Just because the guy says you gave him an std doesn’t mean you did.” I love it. My doctor is like the Danny Tanner of gynecologists. I wait a week to get the test results.

During that week I make a mental list of all the guys I slept with, determined to find out who may have propagated their venereal disease.  The list isn’t long. Back then I could count how many guys I slept with on one hand. Now I need like two hands. Hahhaah…er….anyhoo….

I make bargains with god. I vow that I will pray more. And not just in desperate situations. I vow that I will extoll the virtues of abstinence. I vow that I will stop sneering at the elderly for taking so long to get off the bus!

I get my test results back. I AM STD FREE. I can still have sex! Guys will still sleep with me!

It is a great feeling to know that you are clean. It is also a greater feeling to know that your accuser has an std and you don’t. Ladies, don’t share his glass of water!

I think what bothered me most about this ordeal was that the guy was convinced I gave it to him. And he wasn’t even going to tell me. Like it was too onerous of a task. If I didn’t have such a good guy friend to tell me, I would have never known. And let me tell you: ignorance is bliss.

So I learned some very important lessons here, folks:

1. Get tested
2. Don’t have drunken sex
3. If you do have drunken sex, use protection
4. If you do have sex and don’t use protection, pray
5. Keep around good guy friends. You never know when you need to place a hit on someone.