I have a trainer. He makes me do squats, push ups, and leg presses using 100 pound weights. I look insane. And not in a good way.

I meet with him once a week for an hour so that I can maintain the appearance of having abs of steel. And in that hour I envision different activities I’d rather be doing than working out. Like watching tv or getting a brazilian wax. Sometimes he tells me that I look like I’m just going through the motions. Like I’m not even there. Oh, men are all the same.

But it’s not the rigrorous workout that makes me irritated. No, it’s not that. I don’t care about doing hundreds of lunges and having legs like an Olympic speed skater. Or that my hands shake like Michael J. Fox every time I lift a 10 pound weight. It’s not the physical exertion that bothers me.

It’s his balls.

My trainer is a tall fellow. He probably hovers around 6′3. He always wears loose fitting shorts like a basket ball player. And he’s always smiling. Like the kind of smile some people have when they are just happy to be alive. What is that like? Anyway, sometimes during the workout, he stands next to me while I’m doing leg presses, and I can feel his balls graze against my leg. Is that normal? Or when I do sit ups, he bends over me and I can feel his balls lightly skim my knees like foam on a cafe au lait.

Tonight he gave me a massage on the massage table and his balls were right in front of my face. In. My. Face. I couldn’t look anywhere. I couldn’t escape. The only things between me and my immediate line of vision were his two orbs of manhood.

I ponder whether or not I should bring this up. How does one raise the issue of someone’s balls making them uncomfortable? It’s not like he is purposefully trying to be offensive. I mean, it’s not like I can even see them. For all I know he could just have two large grapes in his front pocket. Or crotch. Whatever.

Don’t get me wrong. I think he’s the nicest fellow. Sure, he says things like”Oh, you’re doing so great right now. Don’t stop. Keep going” while I’m doing squat thrusts. But he is a decent human being. I would even go so far as to say a church going man.

He doesn’t even laugh at me when I don’t match. For example, tonight I came to the gym wearing two different pairs of sneakers. On my left foot was a Nike Air and the right one was a New Balance! I didn’t even have the decency to make sure I was wearing the same pair of sneakers before I left the apartment!

Upon looking at my mismatched sneakers, he attempted to assuage my embarrassment by telling me about the time he wore two different shoes to a funeral. Awkward silence.

If you want to make people uncomfortable you can talk about a funeral, bring up AIDS, or touch someone with your balls.