I’m a Jinius

I don’t understand how I can be sick for the third time this year. I mean, I take preventative measures. I eat garlic. I eat so much garlic that I might have to start wearing deodorant again because that shit comes out of your pores. I eat kale. KALE. I exercise. Why would I torture myself with leafy greens and exercise if I am still getting sick???

Oh, I know why.

Because people like to cough on me.

Has that ever happened to you? When someone doesn’t cover their mouth so they decide to just cough ON you like you are part of the air?

A co-worker actually did that to me yesterday and I was so offended that I said, “You need to cover your mouth!”

That really pisses me off. Just as much as people who fart in restaurants.

And having a cold is far worse than the flu. At least with the flu you can miss work and sleep all day but with a cold you’re still fine enough to show up but every little activity makes you completely miserable.

Like trying to open a bottle of gatorade for instance.

Are they trying to make gatorade child resistant or something because opening the bottle requires the strength of a gladiator.

I got so frustrated I almost threw the bottle at the wall.

Sometimes I think I have anger issues.

But I only get angry when seemingly simple things turn unnecessarily complex.

Like trying to fall asleep.

Or opening a jar of marinara sauce or waiting for a subway that never appears or sitting by your phone and hoping that some hot bartender will call you and offer to make you a hot toddy only to curse yourself for deleting his number.

And New York is like a callous lover when you’re sick. Whipping your face with cold wind and protracting every menial task into an arduous affair.

I just want a hot toddy.

Or a hot body. Ha.

I was thinking the other day that I hate sharing my bed with guys because I can never fall asleep. It doesn’t matter how big or nice their bed is, I just can’t get comfortable. I like to extend my body so that it colonizes the entire bed. If I had it my way I would just kick the guy off and do my own thing. Like this:

But lately I find myself spooning my pillow as if it were a person.

Sometimes it is nice to wake from slumber and find yourself ensconced in warm arms. And have them rub your bare belly and whisper “you have soft skin”.

And you reply to such a sweet sentiment by saying:

Oh, it’s because I moisturize with Nivea every day.

Friday

One of the superiors at the office asked me to work this weekend and I was kinda stank about it. I told him I didn’t think I should come unless it’s urgent. Then he looked at me funny and didn’t respond.

Came home and tried to nap because I haven’t been able to sleep for the past two weeks. Imagine waking up every evening at 2 A.M. and not being able to fall back asleep. No wonder I feel like a bitchy zombie all the time.

Then headed to Nurse Bettie where my friends and I danced to Prince and Peaches.

There was a group of three Asian girls there and for some reason I just hated all of them. Do you ever just hate people for no apparent reason? I think it’s because one girl was on her blackberry the entire time and you could tell she thought she was all that but really she couldn’t dance for shit and then her friend was trying to sing along to Montell Jordan and I just wanted to punch her.

I really need sleep.

Saturday

It was beautiful out and I felt guilty that I was curled up in fetal position. I don’t know what it is about nice New York days that cajole you to come outside and make you feel like a bad person if you don’t. I grew up in Miami where every day is a nice day so nice New York days are second tier at best . But I went out anyway.

Went to my neighborhood coffee shop and sat outside. I sat next to this couple who were so obviously on their first date. You could also tell they must have met online because they were both so awkward. Most casual conversations have a rhythm to it. The interjections of “Oh, yeah, I like that restaurant too” or just going off on tangents because conversations aren’t scripted. But these people were talking in monologues. First the guy would talk about his job and then the girl would follow by talking about her job.

It’s kinda sad when you see people trying so hard to create chemistry.

I wanted to shoot them just so I could put them out of their misery.

Then I decided to walk around the lower east side because it was so nice out.
It really was the kind of the day that made you glow inside. Now I understand all the hoopla about nice New York days.

Also, this really cute blind woman asked me to help her cross the street. She had a lot of moxie and she made me laugh. She asked me to help her find Duane Reade. After I walked her over, we said bye, and I crossed the street. But I waited at the corner until I saw her go inside the store. I would’ve felt bad if she had been mugged or pushed under my watch..

That night went to Spitzer’s Corner with Meredith and Vidya and had THE WORST SERVICE EVER. I bet Tom Colicchio of Top Chef would not approve. V and I got our orders first and Meredith didn’t get her order until like an hour later.

And to make things worse, someone next to us totally dropped an F bomb. I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt like someone smothered my face with a rotten egg. And I think I knew who it came out of too. We had a communal table at Spitzers and there was a group of guys next to us and one of them totally looked like the kind of person who had no qualms dropping gas bombs in a dining establishment. And you could tell he was the culprit because he totally looked over at us when we started grimacing and making choking noises.

We also shared a table with these three women who for some reason just annoyed the shit out of me. They looked like they had never come this far downtown before. And you could tell they never went out because they kept sizing up all the men and saying, “Oh, he’s cute” when, hello, there was no one attractive there.

After Spitzers we headed to Arrow Bar for this after party where they also had an open bar. Score! The open bar was cool but the crowd was questionable. Too many girls trying to look like the cast of Gossip Girl. Women over 25 should not wear plaid head bands. We left after one drink. You know you’re old when you don’t have the energy to take advantage of open bar.

I came home and watched Clueless. I forgot how much I loved that movie. Although I always hated Brittany Murphy’s character Tai. Especially the part when she insults Cher and says, “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” Yeah, I had someone say something like that to me when I was in college. I didn’t realize all these people were humping in highschool. Had I known I would have tried harder at losing my virginity but I was too busy watching Clueless apparently.

Sunday

I woke up with the worst freaking sore throat. I felt like that commercial when the kids go, “I have a porcupine in my thwoat.”

I watched LOST and it was the episode about Sun and Jin and of course I have a special fondness for them because they are Korean and of course I totally sobbed like a baby at the end of the episode.

I don’t know why but I just got so emotional over characters who are distant in the beginning of the relationship and then grow to accept eachother’s flaws and love eachother.

I think it makes us feel reassured that one day someone will like our crazy selves.

Went to Whole Foods and bought a twelve dollar bottle of melatonin. Twelve! That shit didn’t even work. Went to bed at one and woke up at five because my throat was killing me. So I gargled with salt water and also snorted salt water up my nose for further irrigation.

I had alot of weird dreams that night. Apparently one of the side effects of melatonin is vivid dreams. All my dreams involved guys I dated and hooked up with. It was like the ghosts of booty past were haunting me.

I did not have a peaceful sleep.

I used to love this song. It sounds like a Timbaland track. And the choreography is SICK. They don’t make music videos like this anymore.

Lets bring back the slow dance people! Dancing cheek to cheek whilst Lady in Red croons in the background. Why did they only play slow music at elementary and middle school dances when there was zero chance of getting play?

Anyhoo, I made a playlist over on Imeem of all the crap I listened to in high school. Lots of slow songs for you. And lots of angsty shit too teehee.

Listen here.

It is rainy in nyc today and of course, OF COURSE, a cab whizzed by me and drenched me in puddle water. It’s like they see you from yards away and intentionally speed up so they can ruin your coat. Bastards.

This past work week has been nothing short of hellacious. And the next two weeks will be even worse. The good thing though is that I am going to this conference at the end of the month for “young leaders” in my industry. I’m still considered young! Awesome! But, seriously, I’m really ecstatic. It’s nice to see that sometimes people recognize you for your work. So in my spare time I’ve been prepping for the conference because, unfortunately, people also recognize when your work is shitty.

And then last night I got into a little tiff with my youngest brother, who’s visiting me next month with his girlfriend, and he asked if I wanted to say hi to his girlfriend and I’ve never talked to the girl in my life and I was exhausted so I flatly said, “No. I’m tired.”

Then his voice became tremulous and he asked what was wrong. I had to get off the phone.

Even though I have two brothers, sometimes I really feel like I’m the dude in the family. And I’m constantly telling my brothers to grow a pair and stop being so sensitive. And forget it if you’re needy. That is the worst offense.

I don’t even know how we switched these gender roles. I was reared on disney cartoons and 80s sitcoms that instilled the idea that women should just coddle their male counterparts. My brothers played Mike Tyson’s Punchout and watched Steven Segal movies. And then one day my brothers just wanted to talk about their feelings. And I just became impervious to their feelings. Ugh. Your feelings? Again? We just talked about them last week!

Then that makes me wonder if that’s why I always pursue guys who don’t give me any attention.

And then I realize I am so fucked up.

After I got off the phone with my brother, I got a text from him that said, “hope you feel better, love you, and miss you.”

And that almost made me cry.

Maybe you don’t have tolerance for vulnerability in other people because you are acutely aware of your own sensitivity.

And it’s funny because I was talking about this with my girlfriend and we were commiserating about how we become less attracted to guys when they act all emo but when something happens to us we’re deeply affected.

Maybe we’re all just crab people–hard shells and a soft inside.

I’m trying to be a better sister though. I texted my brother back. I couldn’t say I love you. That would have required too much emotion on my part. But I did tell him I was excited to see him in May.

I should have texted: Love ya like a sista!

I really think that instead of sex-ed they should have taught us sex etiquette in high school. I mean, why the hell were they teaching us the function of a vas deferens? I don’t even remember what they are! And why do they conveniently glance over the condoms issue when guys our age fail to cover themselves in the heat of the moment?

Okay–maybe not all guys–but after consulting with my girlfriends I’ve derived that most single guys try to dive in your underwater paradise without a suit because they just assume you’re on the pill. Why the fuck would I be on the pill when I’m not having regular sex??? Do you think I would be this angry all the time?? No, I am not being emotional!!!!

And I noticed that guys don’t even care about stds, they’re more concerned about getting you pregnant. I guess movies like Knocked Up and Juno have created cause for concern. Look, you can always take care of a pregnancy. Herpes? He’s your friend for life. Your ride or die bitch. And not in a good way.

The pregnancy question always comes up at some point in the courtship and the guy is usually like “Well, would you have the baby? I mean–don’t all women have a biological clock?”

See, this is why sex etiquette would have come in handy. Because it is an affront to most women when guys just assume that WE ALL WANT to carry their spawn.

Let me break it down for you.  Yes, I have a biological clock that is missing a snooze button and yes, I like to post youtube videos with cute babies on a regular basis, but that does NOT mean that I’m just going to give up my job and my happy hours to have your illegitimate child!

When I have a baby it will be with someone who I am actually married to. And has a high IQ. (Hello, gotta ensure that I have a baby jinius.)

Talk about a real mood kill.

“Not tonight, honey, I’m too busy thinking about my future abortion.”

I woke up on Sunday morning with frosting all over my face.

But first let me tell you about this conversation I had with my friend Sabbie.

So she came over the day and asked about the 23 year old hot bartender and I told her that I deleted his number.

Oh, right, did I tell you guys that?

And she was all “Why did you do that??”

I said it’s because I didn’t wanna end up liking him. And you know how these things work. We’d probably hang out for a while until things got messy and then it would just end badly like everything else. So might as well just nip it in the bud.

And then she says, “So, what, you’re just never going to date again??”

Ummm, yeah, pretty much.

Anyway, she’s going abroad for a month and she said that by the time she comes back I better have worked things out with hot bartender. I guess I should listen to her. Every time I follow her advice, things seem to work out in the end. Sabbie is one of those people who thinks life falls into place when you’re honest with yourself and other people. Just because she’s one of the most level-headed people I know and is aware of my relationship behavior and patterns, she thinks she knows everything!

Friday night I stayed in and cleaned the apartment while listening to Cat Power. If you’re going to wallow in your own emotional quagmire you might as well indulge in some weepy indie music.

On Saturday night I headed to Brooklyn for Vidya’s brother’s birthday soiree. I knew from the evite that it was going to be a bunch of her brother’s friends and their plus ones but it didn’t really hit me until I got to the party that I was going to be surrounded by couples. Have you ever gone to a party and realized YOU ARE THE ONLY SINGLE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE PARTY.

Oh, sorry, me and Vidya were the only single people. We decided that the only way to deal with the situation was to get wasted. We even said to eachother, “Lets get wasted.”

So we did.

And you know me, after a couple of drinks I just feeling like making out with someone but the only guy at the party that I would’ve madeout with was someone I actually hooked up with a couple of times but I couldn’t hit on him there because he was at the party with HIS WIFE.

A small hurdle.

I think that depressed me a little bit because he’s actually one of those guys who’s just a genuinely nice guy and every time I run into him he always says, “You look great” and he’s just so fucking polite it hurts and his wife is one of those people who would bite your head off if you looked at her the wrong way.

I don’t get it. I mean, I know I’m crazy but I’m crazy in a “ha-ha” way. She seems crazy in a “oh shit” way. Why do guys always hookup with the fun girls and end up settling down with the crazy ones? And if it’s not the crazy ones then it’s always the boring ones. When are the fun girls with mild drinking problems gonna get their due?!?!

So I took my anger out in red velvet cupcakes. Vidya is a fucking domestic goddess and made red velvet cupcakes–from scratch! I think I ate two. Or four. Or SIX. Vidya said that every time she turned around, she saw me at the counter stuffing my face with cupcakes. Even her friend said to her, “Wow, Ji is having ANOTHER cupcake.”

Um, yeah, the next morning I puked red. Ha.

That also explains the frosting all over my face.

Oh, but there was one couple who did not fit the stereotype of the alpha husband and boring wife. In fact, the story of how they met is super cute.  They were at this party in college and the husband had to carry his wife out of the party because she had passed out from drinking too much.

Swoon.

Any guy who can handle his girlfriend when she’s drunk and passed out can handle anything.

Something tells me I will meet my future husband that way.

Ugh, wordpress makes it so difficult to embed codes.

Click here for the full spring playlist.

For some reason I get really aggravated when women castigate Sex and the City for being a horrible example of feminism. I think it’s because I own season two and three on dvd. Umm, I went to a seven sister school, okay! I read Camille Paglia! (that’s a lie).

Lindsey Gerdes’s Businessweek piece lambasts the tv show for its vapid depiction of women obsessing over men and sex.

Umm, yeah, I think it’s because the show is called SEX and the city not FERMAT’S THEOREM and the city.

While Gerdes was a fan of the show in college (”The four chic, single, thirty-to-fortysomething central characters seemed like sexually liberated, glamorous exemplars of modern femininity”), her interest eventually declined:

My own disillusionment with the show began with my post-grad move to New York City (BusinessWeek.com, 10/11/06), which turned out to be anything but the exciting, glamorous metropolis so romanticized by Carrie & Co.

First of all, people who believe that life in New York City is going to be just like a tv show are in for a rude awakening. I suggest you avoid watching the sitcom Friends.

Also, the fictitious characters on the show were in their mid to late thirties. They had the money and influence to galavant around the meatpacking district and wear Manolos. Except Carrie. People still wonder how girlfriend could afford those shoes on a journalist’s salary. But the show did hint at her massive credit card debt. Maybe she’s to blame for the sub-prime crisis.

But here’s what I don’t understand about people who complain that New York is not as glitzy and glamorous as it’s portrayed by HBO.

When I was living in New york post-college, I wasn’t making that much money, but I still managed to go to all these parties where open bar and long limbed girls in precipitous heels were staples.

Maybe Gerdes would have had a much more Carrie Bradshaw-esque experience if she had just learned to mooch off people with influence like I did. She would’ve had more fun. And more hangovers.

One of her friends proposed boycotting the movie.

I say, there are bigger issues worth boycotting. Like patchouli. Ugh, lets boycott men who wear patchouli!

I was having one of those days at work when people were pulling me from all sides. I wanted to put a sign up that said “I will be emotionally and physically unavailable between the hours of 9 A.M.-5 P.M., Mon-Fri”

And then on top of that I started freaking out over the diminishing balance of my bank account and the increasing rate of my spending. Yeah, I’m gonna have to stock up on rice and beans and ramen. I’m 28 but I eat like a college freshman.

So when you are having one of those days when you hate your life because you are overworked and poor, the last thing you want to do is sit in a dark theater.

My friends and I had tickets to see this scary puppet show in the East Village but my brain was too numb to handle anything artistic or requires cognitive processing on my part. And I had a feeling that if I were placed in a dark and quiet theater I would slowly start bawling to myself and make it very awkward for people in my vicinity. (more…)