I’m a Jinius

In a recent NYTimes story, scientists found that regular meat eaters were more likely to die than those who consumed less meat.

In another story, East Asians who suffer from “red face” after drinking were more susceptible to throat cancer.

We can all learn an important lesson in this. What doesn’t kill you will only find a way to kill you eventually.

If it was a special occasion, my mother would invariably dress me in a hanbok.

With its bright colors and thick layers of silk, the hanbok was initially worn by royal members of the Joson dynasty. These days, most Koreans reserve the hanbok for traditional ceremonies or special events. Unless, of course, you are not most Koreans and you are my mother and your idea of a special event is your daughter’s kindergarten class performance in Miami, Florida.

My parents and I moved to Miami in the early 1980s. We lived in a predominantly Latin neighborhood where pretty much everyone’s knowledge of Asia was limited to Chinese takeout. It wasn’t exactly the kind of environment where a six year old Korean girl could feel comfortable wearing Korean ceremonial attire in public.

My kindergarten class was giving a school performance with a Western theme.  We rehearsed songs like Oh, Susannah and My Darling Clementine or whatever it was white men sang while searching for gold. Given that it was a Western theme, all the other kindergarteners were dressed appropriately in jeans, bandanas, and plaid shirts. Everyone listened to our teacher’s instructions.

Everyone but me. (more…)

I was reading my March horoscope on Susan Miller’s website and came across this little tid bit on March’s Venus retrogade:

Venus also rules beauty, so avoid spending for lavish clothes, expensive jewelry, and other luxuries. Your purchases will not likely deliver the fun and enjoyment you expect. Most importantly, don’t schedule plastic surgery during a Venus retrograde, nor have your hair radically restyled at this time. Venus is currently in Aries, ruling the head and face, and, to reiterate, will be out of phase from March 6 to April 17.

Yes, desperate times call for fervent belief in astrology!!!

Even the planets are aligned against clear skin!!!!

After five days of antibiotics, I really haven’t seen any improvements. In fact, two more zits developed in the corners of my mouth. Do you know how painful that is??? Especially after drinking fresh squeezed GRAPEFRUIT JUICE?!?! Good god, that burns more than the benzoyl peroxide on my face.

As I do when I am confronted by incurable ailments such as insomnia or forearm cancer, I turned to my trusty google search engine for remedies and comfort. To my surprise, I came across an ample amount of articles on the connection between acne and dairy. Researchers believe that the hormones in lactating cows cause our hormones to go BALLS TO THE WALL and aggravate our sebaceous glands.

Hmmm, could my skin maladies be connected to dairy?

Lets see what I ate this weekend, shall we?

Friday
breakfast- Greek YOGURT; coffee with CREAM
lunch/dinner- bagel with tofu cream cheese and lox
dessert-a slice of BANANA CAKE; four ten bites of CHOCOLATE CAKE

Saturday
breakfast- coffee with CREAM
lunch-saag PANEER; rest of the CHOCOLATE CAKE
dinner-two slices of PEPPERONI PIZZA

Sunday
breakfast-coffee with CREAM
bagel with lox and CREAM CHEESE

Good god, I am like one big LACTATING COW!

No wonder my skin has been going bat shit insane. It’s all the HORMONES. And all these extra hormones also explain my recent propensity to curse in public and kick the crappy washing machines in my apartment building.

So I guess when I tried to cut out the dairy before, I wasn’t really making a concerted effort to eliminate dairy. I mean, my idea of eliminating dairy is eating one slice of pizza as opposed to three.

For the sake of my skin, I will eliminate dairy for a couple of weeks and see if things improve. I think the hardest part is just giving up small rituals like that early morning coffee with cream. That cup of joe makes it easier to wake up in the morning. And now all I have to look forward to is…GREEN TEA??? It doesn’t even have any cream in it! There’s no taste!

Anyway, I’m sure the first couple of days are hard but then it shouldn’t be so bad. Afterall, I’m Asian and Asians don’t really have dairy in their diets. So if my people were able to live a life without dairy for centuries then I should be able to manage for a couple of weeks. Right? RIGHT?!?!

Oh, dear readers, what have I done to the universe to deserve such MARKS on my DELICATE SKIN?

Did you know that acne has been known to lower self esteem and stir feelings of suicide and depression? Did you? I looked it up on wikipedia. THIS is what is has come to.

My derm prescribed antibiotics and some differin gel. Apparently it could take 6-12 weeks for any improvements.

SIX TO TWELVE WEEKS???? That is like my entire spring and summer!

I’m just going to get a face transplant. Kinda like in Faceoff with John Travolta and Nicholas Cage. How rad would it be if I traded faces with someone like Will Smith? And by “rad” I mean “totally insane” and “not cool”.

UGH.

I know it’s not the end of the world. Actually, it is the end of the world but I’m just trying to sound positive because apparently people don’t like to read blogs written by people who sound suicidal.

DOUBLE UGH.

I just want to escape to an island. NOT the island of Dr. Moreau. But somewhere much more serene. Somewhere sans mirrors, pollution, stress, annoying humans, and overactive sebaceous glands.

In other news, I watched last night’s 30 Rock and literally spit out my food from laughing so hard. I love that Tracy Jordan named his kids Tracy Jr. and George Foreman.

Anyway, hope you have a good Friday, precious readers!

Oh, and if you have any time, please send prayers to my skin!

I mean, you should definitely send prayers for other things like ending the war in Iraq, Afghanistan, and our financial markets but if you have any ounce of prayer juice left, please send them to my epidermis!!!!

you rock,

the jinius.

Ever since I became besieged with the Skintifada of 2009, I started thinking about the connection between our literal and figurative faces. The masks we don in our offices, homes, bars, parties. The personalities we take on with family members or co-workers or lovers. So much of our identity is expressed on our skin. Everything from our backgrounds, like race and ethnicity, to even our emotions. There’s a reason they have phrases like “green with envy” or “red with anger”. Or why they say “put your best face forward.” Or even social networks like FACEBOOK. Whether we like it or not, our face represents who we are to the world.

I was talking to a couple of friends of mine who are sage practicioners in the field of eastern medicine and one friend talked about how sometimes our toxins are released and “expressed” in our skin. And then another friend asked if I was going through some emotional issues and that could be why these emotions are showing up on the face. After thinking about the two, I realized that maybe what I’m releasing is toxic emotions.

I think we can all agree that this year has been tough for everybody.

And during times of duress, we are forced to analyze and determine our authentic selves. What really makes me happy? What kind of job will really fulfill me?  Who are the type of people I want to surround myself with? What kind of man do I want to marry? Red wine or white??? You know, the DIFFICULT STUFF!

So in trying to unearth our genuine selves, we are forced to reconcile all our other selves.

I wonder if children of immigrants experience this more acutely than others, but I feel like I have spent my entire life straddling two worlds, two cultures, two identities, two faces. At home,  I was the good daughter who practiced piano, did homework, wore PANTS, and you know, basically reinforeced every stereotype given to Asian daughters. Outside of home, I was loud. I was in the drama club. I smoked cigarrettes during lunch.

And even now, as I am approaching thirty, I feel like I’m still leading dual lives. At the office,  I wear suits everyday, I try not to raise my voice, I barely interact with co-workers, and devote the entire day feigning that I’m this conservative gal who doesn’t drink or party or have a good time. When I’m not at the office–well, you regular readers don’t really need an explanation on this– I am completely different. And I even have an online personality with this effin blog. So by trying to juggle these different masks, no wonder my emotions are breaking out like it’s Shawshank Skindemption!

So many different philosophers and writers have pondered this subject in a much more eloquent and insightful way. In Hamlet, Polonius said “To thine ownself be true.” Tom Stoppard talks about taking off our masks and being “the real thing”. And in Aladdin, the genie says “Beeee yourself.”

Maybe when we stop trying to fulfill other people’s ideas of who or what you should be, when we stop worrying about how other people will perceive you, when we finally get out of the glass bottles of our egos, and we embrace who we actually are…we will be at peace with ourselves.

Rilke said: “At present, you need to live the question.”

In other words, life is not knowing the answer but the experiences that help you reach that level of understanding–kinda like Will Smith’s Pursuit of Happyness! You know I had to throw in a Will Smith reference somewhere!!–and I think when we truly accept this and know that there is no EZ pass lane for reaching a fulfilling life, we will be okay.

So, yeah, that’s the solution for life. As for acne, I still have no remedy.

All this running and avoiding meat and dairy has resulted in losing five pounds. At least there’s a bright side.

I never thought I’d say this but I’d happily gain five pounds in exchange for clear skin.

My body is revolting against me! Only instead of pitchforks and torches, it’s using acne!!!

My face completely BROKEOUT. Imagine the LA riots only it’s happening on my FACE. I could be the spokesperson for proactiv. I could be mistaken for Edward James Olmos. I could host an entire galaxy using the constellation of zits accumulated on my skin!!!!

I’ve done everything from eliminating dairy and meat to switching to gentle face cleansers and nothing works! I actually read forums on people suffering from acne.  I’m one of those people!!! And it’s so bad that I’m too embarrassed to go out and be social because I’m so self conscious about my skin.

I know it’s from stress and overworking but how the hell am I supposed to NOT stress? That’s like saying: don’t breathe. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!!!!!

And so I’ve been running everyday to help me de-stress but I think it’s making me break out even more.

And just so that you know I am not exaggerating, I have included a photo.

GROSS

I don’t know what to do! If you guys have any advice please email me! Now I’m stressing out from my stressed out skin and I think it is proliferating even more zits! I can’t win!!!!

Update: I am seeing a dermatologist later this afternoon. I usually don’t like going to them because the stuff they give me makes my skin feel like Desert Storm but desperate times call for desperate measures!

It is perplexing to me that companies expect their employees to display professional behavior in the work place. What does that mean exactly? What is “being professional”? Does that mean we shouldn’t show up to work in a unitard? That we shouldn’t mime tying a noose around our neck during a boring meeting? That we shouldn’t throw typewriters at people who say stupid things?

What exactly is this distinction between professional and personal? And why does the office exort human beings to be professional when human beings have a hard enough time being HUMAN BEINGS.

I have to interact with alot of different companies and people for my job. Without going into details and specifics–because I would like to keep my job and continue to pay rent–I had a situation a while ago that involved one of these outside people making a rather not so positive comment about a mistake I made at work when ,actually, it was their office that made the error.

So I sent a pretty salty email that illustrated this point and then this person sent one right back and now I’m afraid that I sent the email too hastily out of anger and now I may have burned a few bridges with people that I have to interact with on a daily basis.

Tee-hee.

Reflecting on this exchange, I realize that maybe I should’ve acted more professionally and not taken the comment so personally. But then I think: Why can’t I take it personally? I am, after all, a PERSON.

I have something called FEELINGS. And SENSITIVITY. And when someone makes a comment that manages to disparage my performance, I’m going to take it PERSONALLY.  Now if I were a zombie, on the other hand, I would’ve just ignored the comment or eaten his head.

I really think that people put too much emphasis on behaving professionally in the work place. I think that we should first work on having human beings act like HUMANS. Okay? Once we can get humans to stop acting like they were just introduced to the concept of walking on two legs, we can move on to more complicated tasks like answering the phone without food in one’s mouth.

Did you know that the DNA similarity between humans and chimps is 98 percent? NINETY EIGHT PERCENT. That 2 percent difference is what distinguishes those that play with their own shit and those that can use a fork. Unfortunately, there are many human beings who seem to blur that distinction.

How can we expect people to behave professionally in the workplace when we can’t even tell that they are actual people??? How can we expect them to use diplomatic phrases like “I understand” or “I see your point” or “With much respect” when people don’t even have the foresight to wipe their own urine from public toilet seats??? I guess I see how some people could forget to wipe their seat. Especially if these said people are also GORILLAS. It must be hard to bend down and use toilet paper when you have GORILLA HANDS.

The other day, I was walking down the street and noticed a normal looking man walking in front of me. Then, out of nowhere, he just starts flailing his limbs and screaming. Just like that. He went from seemingly normal to bat shit insane in a matter of five blocks.

If people can’t be trusted to walk five miles without screaming expletives in public, how can we expect them to present a power point presentation???

Then there was this one incident on the bus when an older black woman was arguing with a young, white hipsterish boy and when they got off the bus, the woman took off her shoe and started hitting the man with HER HIGH HEEL and screaming: YOU F$%&! f$#!@@%6

If people are willing to impale other people with their foot wear, do we really have a chance at encouraging team work and unity in the workplace???

For too long, human beings have had to straddle the lines between what is appropriate at work and what is appropriate in private. The professional versus personal. Decency versun indecency. Sane versus insane. Man versus Beast.

By devoting so much time and effort into telling people how they should behave in the professional sphere, we have allowd the atropy of behavior in our normal sphere: EARTH.

Ladies and gentlemen:

Friends, Romans, Country men:

Lend me your PCs.

Let us not ignore what unites us human beings: the fact that we are all human beings.

Let us extol the virtues of humanity: kindness, respect, private not public urination

Let us exert self control over our behavior and bodily functions in the company of others–especially on public transporation such as subways and buses during rush hour.

Let us walk in a crowded street and say “excuse me” instead of elbowing people in the ribs.

And above all,

Let us remember that even chimps could wipe the toilet seat.

Ruth Reichl, former NY Times Food critic and current editor of Gourmet Magazine, wants the Obamas to publish regular reports of what they’re eating to motivate other families to adopt healthier eating habits.

Um, not to be the Czar of Obvious here, but I think the Obamas have more important things to do like, I don’t know, making sure Americans have jobs or ensuring that the Middle East doesn’t eat itself or ending the proliferation of nuclear weapons, or like, EVERYTHING.

Much has been said about the woes of online dating. You think you may have chemistry over the internet but who’s to say that you will have anything in common face to face? How well can you really get to know someone online?

Lets follow a couple on their first blind date and find out. We will see that what seems like your run of the mill blind date can quickly turn into something much more than you signed up for.

BLIND DATE
INT. RESTAURANT-EVENING

JILL, an Asian woman in her late twenties, is having dinner with ROGER, a white man also in his late twenties. They are both dressed nicely and engaged in the type of friendly, but reserved banter that is characteristic of blind dates. But as the night progresses, they warm up to each other.

JILL
(holding up a wine glass)
Well, cheers to first dates.

ROGER
Cheers.

JILL
Can I be honest for a second?

ROGER
Who doesn’t like unsolicited honesty on a first date?

JILL
I just want to say that after all those email exchanges, I’m so glad that we’re finally meeting in person. You’re so refreshing.

ROGER
Really? I was just thinking that about you.

JILL
I’m so flattered.

ROGER
Even your profile was refreshing.

JILL
Your’s too. For once, a guy didn’t say that he was obsessed with Japan or Buddhism. And didn’t describe himself as “laid back” or “outgoing” or “confident”.

ROGER
It’s not their fault they only know three adjectives.

JILL
Or that they got these words from a sixth grade personality test.

ROGER
The women would always write: “I love going out but I equally enjoy staying in.” What does that even mean? Oh, and of course they were very laidback.

JILL
I’m not laid back. In fact, I’m always standing up straight.

ROGER
So am I. (nervously laughs) And you want to ask them, are you really laid back in all situations? Because if there were a fire in the building, I would not be laid back. I’d be screaming like a horse in slaughter.

ROGER laughs and accidentally lets out a nay.

JILL
What was that? Sounds like they let a horse in here.

ROGER shrugs his shoulders.

JILL
So have you gone on alot of these internet dates?

ROGER
Actually, this is only my second. How about you?

JILL
Oh, yeah, me too. This is my second or…twentieth.

ROGER
You must be pretty open minded.

JILL
Totally. I dated three gay men. But in my defense, they didn’t know they were gay at the time.

ROGER
I am pretty sure I’m straight.

JILL
I haven’t seen your shoes yet so I can’t be so sure. I think it’s a red flag when the guy has higher heels than me.

ROGER
Another red flag could be that he’s into men.

JILL
What about you? You’ve never dated any questionable people?

ROGER
I haven’t really dated that much. I guess I just never felt comfortable enough. Didn’t have that connection. Until now.

JILL
Can I be honest with you about something?

ROGER
I think you only get two honesty passes for the first date.

JILL
I kinda fibbed on my profile.

ROGER
So you’re not really Asian?

JILL
I never read Fight Club. I just said that I liked it because I thought I mentioned too many Jane Austen books and I wanted to even things out a little. In fact, I have no interest in reading Fight Club. It just sounds so violent. Why couldn’t it have been called Book Club?

ROGER
I guess I should also say something honest. I don’t want children.

JILL
Most men wait until the third course to tell you that information.

ROGER
I thought it was important. In our last email exchange you mentioned how you wanted a dozen kids.

JILL
No, I said a dozen would be the maximum.

ROGER
Either way, I wanted to put it out there.

JILL
Okay, well, that’s cool. My parents would rather me marry an Asian guy anyway and pass down our Asian genes.

ROGER
Great, so there’ll be more bad drivers on the road. (beat) Look, I think you’re very fun and we should just see where this goes.

JILL
Sounds good.

ROGER
Excuse me, just have to use the restroom really quick.

ROGER gets up from the table and JILL observes for the first time that while ROGER has the head and upper body of a man in his late twenties, he has the bottom half of a horse. JILL tries to mask her disbelief that ROGER is, in fact, a centaur–a half man/half horse that is usually found in mythological stories. ROGER notices that JILL’S face is ghost white and her mouth is agape.

ROGER (CONT’D)
Is there something wrong?

JILL
You have four legs.

ROGER, sensing that a serious discussion is about to ensue, trots back to the table.

ROGER
I thought you knew.

JILL
Knew what? That you are a CENTAUR?

ROGER
Can you keep your voice down?

JILL
Oh, I’m the one who should be worried about attracting attention?

ROGER
Jill, I’m sorry. I thought you knew.

JILL
Now it all makes sense. The photos with only upper body shots. The not getting up from the table when I walked into the restaurant. The constant references to CS Lewis!!! I guess I should have double checked your body type in your profile. I didn’t realize they had “slim”, “muscular”, “athletic”, CENTAUR.

ROGER
You weren’t exactly so forthcoming with your body type either.

JILL
Excuse me?

ROGER
I mean, when you said slender, you didn’t say badunkadunk.

JILL
Oh, I think we know who would win the badunkadunk championship here, buddy!

ROGER
I’m sorry. Maybe we should just get the check. This was a bad idea.

JILL
Yeah, this is a bad reality show on Bravo. Who wants to marry a CENTAUR??? Good thing you said you didn’t want children. Otherwise I’d have to tell my parents, “Hey, mom, dad: not only are your kids half Asian, but they are half horse!

ROGER
I thought you said you were open minded.

JILL
I am open minded about religion, politics, race. Just a little more conservative when it comes to mythological creatures! I’m sorry. I…I’m just not used to this.

ROGER
It’s okay. Most people aren’t.

JILL
You know, when I said that thing about Barbaro and how they should’ve shot him like Kujo. I was only kidding.

ROGER
It’s okay. How about we just switch the subject?

JILL
You got it.

ROGER
Lets try to pretend that we’re just on a normal blind date having normal blind date conversation.

JILL
Sounds great.

ROGER
Do you like to go dancing?

JILL
Oh, no. I’m awful at dancing. I’ve got two left. (muttering) I guess you do too.

ROGER
Okay, and we’re done.

JILL
Maybe we could just stay friends and just chalk it up to bad internet dating.

ROGER
Yeah, you’re right.

JILL
And I’m sure you’ll find someone special. We both have equally good chances of finding someone. I’m almost thirty and single in New York City. And you’re a half man, half horse. The odds must be the same.

A young, voluptuous woman in a clingy red dress walks over to the table.

YOUNG WOMAN
I’m sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting anything but National Velvet is my favorite movie and I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you ever since you galloped in here. What do you say we go back to my place and pretend it’s the Kentucky Derby?

ROGER
See, ya, Jill. Good luck finding a date on the internet.

The young woman gets on top of ROGER and the two trot off. JILL stirs her wine glass.

JILL
I should’ve tried J-date.