Time to make the donuts.

Whenever my alarm goes off at an ungodly hourin this case, 6 A.M. on a SaturdayI am reminded of that iconic Dunkin Donuts commercial, when the old man wakes up at the crack of dawn and says:

Time to make the dooooonuuuuts.

I put on an outfit that I have laid out the night before. A blue collared shirt, pants, and a long, gray cardigan sweater. I want it to convey professional and respectable but it is more Mr. Rogers. Then I head out and walk to the bus. The only people I see this early on a Saturday morning are twenty somethings walking back to their apartment after a night of drunken revelry and Latinos walking to work.

I take the bus, then take the subway to Penn Station. This is the point when I get my coffee so I can emerge from my zombie state. They play classical music on the speakers here. I suppose this is supposed to distract you from the indigenous people of Penn Station: the drunks and the crazies.

After the train, I get off at Newark Penn Station (which is not to be confused with NEW YORK Penn Station. Thanks for making things NOT confusing, Government!) and then head to another bus. The bus drivers in Newark are different from their New York City counterparts in that when they see you running after them like a mad woman, screaming Wait! PLEASE WAIT!!!– they actually stop and let you on.

The bus is my favorite mode of transportation because you actually see the city. The streets are like arteries and as you run along them, you see the parts that are vibrant and healthy and the parts that are stifled and could use an angioplasty.

I admit that I was guilty of assuming that Newark was a run down city with a permanent pall of doom and gray hovering over it. Call it The Wire syndromewhen the media promulgates images of desolate streets, decaying buildings, and desperate people, it is easy to assume that all urban areas are like that.

But my assumptions are quickly refuted.

When you hear about Newark you hear about crime, drugs, murder, and corruption. You dont hear about the Iron Bound District and its large Brazilian and Portugese communities. You dont hear about all the different ethnic groups and restaurants. You dont hear about the citys history as one of the centers of the Industrial Revolution and burgeoning Jewish and Italian neighborhoods in the early 20th century. You dont hear about Philip Roth and American Pastoral. You dont hear about the campuses of Seton Hall and Rutgers or the community organizations or churches or the parks or the museums or the sidewalks. Yes, they have many sidewalks! Newark is very pedestrian friendly which is great for people who dont drive– and by people who dont drive I mean me.

But the most essential component of Newark–the part that the media often fails to recognize as the true nature of this complex city–is the people.

My ESL class is composed of a diverse group of people. The ages range from nineteen to sixty five. There is a mother and son taking the class together. There is an elderly married couple taking the class together. They are from Ecuador. They are from the Dominican Republic. They are from El Salvador. They all work during the week and have families to take care of.

But on Saturdays, they are students.

They call me “Teacher.

Teacher, how you say leaf in plural?

Teacher, can you check if this right?

Some of the students are more shy and reserved. Others are quick to raise their hand. But all of them are hard workers and fast learners. I always have to prepare additional material because we whiz by the lessons of the day.

My class also has a great sense of humor. I was teaching them how to write numbers in English and describe someones age. In one exercise, they learned to say, My son is 44 years old. And one student says (in spanish) Why is my son so old?

This particular week I teach the class about nouns and adjectives. I teach them how to describe things using words like smart, intelligent, and beautiful.

At the end of class, as the students walk by and say Good bye, Teacher and Thanks Teacher, some of them walk by and say:

Beautiful class, Teacher.

On Saturday night, I am craving a juicy, rare steak. The kind with a beautiful, browned crust and a tender, moist bite. Something about this weather makes my body covet red, bloody meat. And donuts. And wine. And pasta. And pretty much anything in the terrain of “not vegetables”.

So I run over to trader joes and pick up some stuff to make my dinner for one. They sell single bottles of beer there so I grab a bottle of Smuttynose. The cashier doesn’t have a price for the beer so he asks the manager for a price check. “I need a price on this beer. Just ONE beer. For this ONE person. Making dinner for ONE.”

No, it’s okay. I am totally not conscious of the fact that Valentines is two weeks away. I mean, really, I am totally fine with the fact that I don’t have a PLUS ONE. Who needs a plus one? I have health insurance.

ANYHOO.

I end up making this bomb ass steak.

p1030842-small

I just brushed some olive oil, salt and pepper on both sides. Then I put a table spoon of butter on a pan, turned the heat up really high, and after a few minutes placed the steak in the pan. I love the sound of the hiss and crackle as the steak sears. So I seared it for a minute, flipped it over, seared it again, and then put it in a 500 degree oven for two minutes. The result was a perfectly medium rare steak. BLISS!

Now that I have a recipe for challah back french toast, li’l kimchee fried rice, and the bomb ass steak, I think I can start a new food blog called Remix to Ignition: Hot and Fresh Out the Kitchen.

After my carnivore’s delight, I head over to Elsa on Avenue B for a friend’s birthday party. (more…)

As many of you avid readers know, I love to raise my cholesterol. I am especially fond of donuts for fulfilling this purpose. Warm, fresh donuts that melt in your mouth like pieces of god’s tears (ha!). THUS, I make a concerted effort to search for the best purveyors of nature’s most ergonomic food. THE DONUT.

And I embarked on this search last night. At 10:30 P.M.

See I don’t really go out on Fridays anymore so I designated Thursday as my day of joy and fun times. On this particular night, my friends and I started at Gingerman in Midtown where we decided that beer was a viable substitute for FOOD. We ordered these pumpkin stouts that were made from a gravity cask. I don’t really know what that means but all I know is that it was like drinking really thick corn syrup. Luckily, I was able to wipe out the taste with a free basket of potato chips.

Then we headed to Back Forty in the East Village. The bartender was really nice and accommodating–and by accommodating I mean he did not kick us out for being residents of FUNKY TOWN.

This is how you can spot a resident of FUNKY TOWN.

1. Two girls enter your restaurant near closing time and sit at the bar

2. They order the following in the following order:

a) Beer
b) Donuts
c) SHOTS

Okay, the shots weren’t my idea because I don’t really do shots anymore now that I am TWENTY NINE and clearly a responsible and mature adult (By the way I learned earlier that the bartender has the same name as Madonna’s brother and for some reason that is all I could laugh about for like twenty minutes.).

ANYWAY, I order the donuts and little did I know that they would result in more negotiating than the Iran Contra Affair.

Me: Have some donuts
Em: Is that teriyaki sauce?
Me: No it’s some kind of glaze
Em: Ew, gross, it’s TERIYAKI SAUCE!!!
Me: Omg, can you lower your voice?
Em: They look like ONION RINGS!
Me: Just have one bite.
(She takes a bite. Pause.)
Em: OMG IT’S TERIYAKI SAUCE!!!
Me: Sweet Jesus.

For the record, they were not covered in teriyaki sauce and they were very very delicious. They were warm and crispy on the outside but moist and pillowy on the inside. I ended up eating ALL THREE of them.

And then the bartender was nice enough to make us these shots that were strong but still moderate enough that “you can still make it to work the next day.” And I did!

And today my stomach is perpendicular to the ground. The next time I complain about my weight please direct me to this post and remind me that it may have something to do with the fact that I share the same diet as HOMER SIMPSON.

Actually, given that I eat more than most men twice my size, I am actually kinda grateful that I don’t weight as much as, you know, men twice my size.

So I’m gonna go ahead and give myself a pat on the thyroid.

Thanks, thyroid, for stabilizing my metabolism and not making me morbidly obese.

Morbidly yours,

The Jinius

P.S. Do you think the French call New Jack City: New Jacques City?

HOH-HOH-HOOOOH
(English Translation: HAHAHAHAHAHA)

-So far the chefs have had to do quickfire challenges sponsored by diet dr. pepper and quaker oats. I wonder who will sponsor the next quickfire?

ideas:

Spam
Cup O Noodles
Zima
Hugo Chavez (in this challenge, cheftestants must cook something out of actual Venezuelans. “This is Top Chef not Top Cannibal”)

-This episode was LAME because it was their superbowl episode and it had former contestants from previous seasons. They were called the Allstars but that is probably because “We, as a group, don’t cook so well” was already taken. Oh, and Carla won the challenge because she was giving out the love…with her EYES.

As we all know, I have high standards for movies. I own the Pink Panther dvd. The one with Steve Martin. And BEYONCE. And because I subscribe to such high standards, I have an incredibly low tolerance for stupid movies–especially movies that have won Oscars for Best Picture and Best Screenplay. Yes, I found myself unable to watch more than 30 minutes of the movie Crash. For one thing–SPOILER ALERT–there’s a CAR CRASH in the first scene. I love symbolism as much as the next person, but not if the next person only watches movies with IN YOUR FACE SYMBOLISM <—-meant to be IN YOUR FACE.

Crash is ostensibly a searing look at racial and social relations. But this movie is more for people who have never looked at racial and social relations. Or for people who watch Ryan Phillipe movies.

The script reminded me of 80s sitcoms that would stray from the usual formula to devote an episode to talk about a really serious topic but instead of being enlightening or edgy they just brought greater attention to the fact that they were a sitcom trying to address a serious topic.  Like that Different Strokes episode about child molesters. Or when DJ had an eating disorder on Full House. So throughout Crash I just kept expecting Danny Tanner to come out and say something about how we are all colors of the same rainbow and that Daddy, Uncle Jesse, and Uncle Joey love you very much.

The best (worst) scene in Crash is the one where Sandra Bullock has just gotten mugged and she is back at her house with Brendan Fraser and she is flipping out because she knew she was going to get mugged by Ludacris and is now paranoid that the Mexican guy changing the locks on her door is going to kill her.

What is so profound about this scene? Everyone knows that Mexicans can’t change locks.

Another scene that is hard to watch–and by hard to watch I mean I think I heard this dialogue before in 1992– is the restaurant scene with Ludacris and Larenz Tate and they talk about the waitress ignoring them because she probably thinks they are bad tippers because they are black. Yes, that is probably true. That is why you should shoot her and get out of this movie while you can. Run!

Maybe the movie takes a fresh turn after 30 minutes. Maybe all the characters change into neon unitards and then shoot eachother.

In that case, this is the most awesome movie ever.

I have a name for a new bbq/hip hop fusion restaurant:

Bone, Thugs, and Hominy

Wakka Wakka.

This morning I am taking the bus to work when I get a phone call from this dude at the office. Lets call him Bebop, after the wart hog mutant villain in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who is too OBTUSE to accomplish anything.

So Bebop asks me where I put the invitation list for this event we are organizing. I tell him that there’s a hard copy in my file cabinet and another copy on my computer. Then he starts YELLING at me and telling me I should have given him back the list after the invitations went out.

Ummmm, call me crazy, but isn’t this 2009???? Are you seriously telling me that there is only ONE copy of a document?

Since I am on a bus and IN PUBLIC, I try to be calm and just say, “Okay, okay” and he yells back, “OKAY? IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY?”

Now usually in this type of situation, I would run to the bathroom and cry, but seeing as that a) I’m on a bus and b) I can’t just run to the nearest bathroom because I am wearing a parka that doubles as a grizzly bear, I just try to calm myself. And when I arrive at the office I am cool, collected, and I walk past him and grumble “a-hole.”

I doubt he heard me. But I wish he did.

Despite everything that’s been going on, I have been feeling eerily calm at work. I think it’s attributed to my daily runs. I think running helps clear my head and gives me the endurance to overcome things even when they seem overwhelming. For instance, the first 20 minutes of a run are the most difficult. I hate it. I hate myself. I curse myself for being born. I start thinking of all the crappy things that people have said to me for the past, oh, 29 YEARS! All these negative feelings surface, but then, like clockwork, they just subside. It’s as if I am sweating off all the toxic feelings, and they just glide off my back like dew drops off a leaf (sorry, guys). And then I feel like I am strong enough to run another five miles, pen a novel, and learn Finnish. Who knew you could feel this way from running in place?

So now when I confront something difficult at work, I just think, okay, it’s not as bad as it seems. Just get though this first hump and you’ll get over it. And if there’s a second hump, you get over that too.

The mind.

Biggest muscle.

I guess there is something to be said for this mind-body connection.

I just wish the mind-body connection didn’t circumvent my ass.

- Last night I saw Vicky Christina Barcelona–Woody Allen’s ode to Barcelona, red wine, and Javier Bardem. Unfortunately, I had seen No Country For Old Men last week so all I could think of throughout the movie was: “Heads or tails…Heeeeaaads or taaaaaiiiils.”

-The undercurrent of the movie seems to be that we should just live in the moment and enjoy the fact that we are alive because we all go back to where we started. The secondary theme seems to be: don’t marry boring people or you will inevitably have an affair with Javier Bardem.

-After the movie, Emily and I went to Jack’s Luxury Oyster Bar and had glasses of red wine and pretended we were in Barcelona. Minus the balmy weather. And minus Javier Bardem. Gee, how many times can I mention his name in a single post? Oh, and Jack’s Luxury Oyster Bar is the perfect refuge from the cold. I can’t believe this was my first time visiting the place and I’ve been living in the East Village for five years. I guess I was thrown off by the word “luxury”–it is not something you identify with with during an economic downturn. But they have glasses of wine for under ten dollars and all their small plates are less than 14 dollars. Granted, the portions are the size of an amuse bouche but that is what free bread is for.

-We sat at the bar and had  fried oysters in a potata leek broth that was perfect for dipping warm pieces of bread and clams with chorizo. And we made fun of an overly affectionate couple smooching at their table. Gee, can’t you just celebrate your happiness in your own time? Isn’t that what apartments are for???

-On Sunday we all gathered at Alias for Lil Bin’s birthday dinner. They have a Sunday supper prix fixe for $30. I ordered the baked chicken which was fabulous and brought my leftovers to work yesterday only to discover that the remaining pieces were undercooked. Faux fabulous! Nothing puts you off a meal like a piece of pink chicken meat with a bloody red vein bisecting it.

-And Saturday I went to Newark to teach my first English class. It was amazing and I’m so so glad I signed up for this. I already know that I’m going to get emotional when I am done with it. Because nothing gives me more satisfaction than teaching students the difference between saying “you have a dog” and “you are a dog”.

-Oh, and like most ephiphanies, I had one during my train ride on NJ Transit. Why don’t they open a Trader Joes in Newark? I’m sure all the residents would appreciate the affordable prices, not to mention all the college students at Rutgers and Seton Hall who could buy something besides ramen. And they could train and hire the residents there as well. Genius? I think so! Mayor Booker, if this project is successful, I will take full credit for this! If it fails, I will throw myself off a building. Preferably a building that is only one story tall.

-I bought a pair of velvet leggings from Urban Outfitters and they are so deliciously soft that I just want to touch my legs all day. Trust me, it’s as creepy as it sounds!

As you regular readers may know, I’m a big fan of misanthropy and red velvet cupcakes. The two actually have a pretty symbiotic relationship–feeding off each other like a tapeworm and a weight conscious celebrity.

But starting Saturday, I shall cease my distrust and hatred for humanity as I strive to shape and influence the old minds of tomorrow!

I’m teaching adults.

We’ll see if we can teach an old dog new tricks. And by old dog, I mean me. And by tricks I mean basic grammar.

Needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway), I’m pretty nervous. I know that as a volunteer I’m not necessarily required to meet the same demands as a paid professional and it’s not like I’ll be teaching Shakespeare (god, that would make a great basic cable movie!), but I also don’t want to look like a total screw up. I mean, students don’t need to know perfect English to flick you the bird.

Anyway, I was thinking of warming up the class with: If you don’t speak English put your hands up, if you don’t speak English make noise.

And to further expand my anxiety, part of me wonders if I am applying my efforts in a pragmatic way. I was out with this guy the other day and I mentioned my obsessions with Newark and Cory Booker and how I hoped that this teaching opportunity could somehow lead to working for the Mayor one day and he responded, “So you think that you’re going to work for the Mayor by teaching English?”

Gee…

When you put it that way…

IT SOUNDS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.

And then I reminded myself:

Self, it’s not about position, it’s about purpose.

While I would love to work for the Mayor, I am more inspired by his GQ cover looks work and purpose to do something meaningful with my life. I mean, he inspired me to set aside a couple of hours to do something for other people and I think that advances his agenda just as much as any position in city hall would. And in the end, this teaching thing is actually keeping ME off the streets. God knows I do not need to be wandering the East Village in the wee hours, searching for pizza.

See, that’s the good thing about public service. It’s a symbiotic relationship.

In other news, I don’t think I like British comedy and now I can never date a white man.

I’m afraid all the comedy nerds (the worst kind) will come at me with pitchforks and torches (a dying tradition) when I say this, but I do not find these comedy classics funny:

Absolutely Fabulous
Monty Python

I mean, how can we trust the sense of humor of a country that produced Coldplay and Peaches Geldof? Does anyone else not see this??? Is there something wrong with me? Am I missing a humor gene? Is there a reason that I like The Golden Girls more than Monty Python???? Help me!!!!

However, I really do like Ricky Gervais.

And Benny Hill.

Anyway, you should take my opinion with a grain of kosher salt.

-Taking a cue from Will Smith’s character in The Pursuit of Happyness, I’ve taken to not drinking water in an effort to avoid bathroom breaks and increase my productivity. And then I realized: you know you’re at a low point in your career when you take cues from Will Smith movies and/or avoid water.

-I’m also in denial that I’m sick. I don’t have time in my schedule for this! (maybe between 12 and 12:15 right before my lunch break). I thought that by consuming a bucket of Nyquils, I could just get over the cold but instead it has made me a bit woozy and loopy fiasco. I don’t think it helped that I also had a couple of glasses of wine with Nyquil. Yikes, I wonder if that’s a lethal combination. If you don’t see anymore blog posts after this it’s because I’ve either OD’ed on nyquil or died from not peeing.

-Had dinner at Les Enfants Terribles the other night and my friend Dick told us about how his precocious three year old nephew says the most profound things. For ex, he said, “Uncle Richard, how come water can turn into ice and turn back into water but we can get old but can’t turn young again?”

I nearly cried in my fries.

-And then our friend Dan commented on our waitress’s ample cleavage while she was still within hearing distance. She later brought us a round of digestif on the house. Note to self: French people appreciate sexual harassment

-Oh, and LOST season premiere tonight. I know most people thought there was only one important date in January, but we also had an inauguration last night, people.

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