I’m a Jinius

1. I start my work in Newark on Saturday. Yes, for the next six months I will be waking up at 5:45 A.M. (I gave myself an extra fifteen minutes to hit snooze) to teach English.

So a note to all my friends who may try to make plans with me on Friday nights, please do not be offended when I respond with: HELL TO THA NO.

It’s not that I don’t love you, I just hate waking up early more.

I’ve never taught an English class before so this should be a little interesting. It’ll be like Stand and Deliver meets The Mighty Ducks. Yes, that hockey movie starring Emilio Estevez and that dude from Dawson’s Creek. I mean, just look at the tagline:

“He’s never coached. They’ve never won. Together they’ll learn everything about winning!”

Just replace “coached” with “taught English”. And “won” with “learned English”. And “winning” with “killing the teacher”.

2. I’ve been trying to figure out how to put comments back on without getting so much spam. But after receiving some comments on old posts over the weekend, I decided it’s best to leave out comments for now. Some voices are just not meant to be heard. Especially from those who spend their time on the internet googling how to attract women and find their way here. UGH. Nothing good can ever come of a google search on a Friday evening.

3. I think I’m sick. I slept for ten hours yesterday and the day before. I’m either sick or have some feline DNA.

4. I don’t know what is worse: watching the Jon and Kate Plus Eight marathon (for the second time) or the Ace of Cakes marathon or watching both in the same day.

5. I love how everyone on Ace of Cakes talks so slowly. I think they all get blazed and bake cakes all day. A lot of people wonder if those cakes taste good. Well, if you can cut a saw through it, I’m pretty sure it can’t be the moistest cake in the world.

6. The most common comment I get about the blog is, “I don’t read blogs but I read yours.” To which I think: you need to read more. There are far more superior blogs out there. Like this one. (It is almost as funny as Golden Girls season one. Really!)

7. So my neighbors started blasting music at 4 am on Friday and I was this close to knocking their door and busting some skulls when I decided against it because I was wearing spandex leggings with sequins. I think wearing sequins to a turf war seems to diminish your intimidation factor.

8.Return of the mack is the best R&B song. Hands down. You liiiiiiiiiied to me.

1. My Blackberry
Okay, so people who tell you that material things do not add any meaning to your life obviously do not have enough material things. I love my blackberry! I hated it at first but it has added so much joy and satisfaction to my life. How do you think I was able to take those awesome snow phallus pics? Or survive a week long vacation with my parents without cable or internet? Anyway, I’m probs the only person who prefers a blackberry over an i-phone but I don’t care– I love my blackberry! I’m also the only person in the world who does not like Apple products. I don’t trust things that look too good. I feel like they won’t last. Yes, I’m talking to you Brad Pitt! I want my products to be like Ben Kingsley: classic, versatile, with an odd resemblance to Gandhi.

2. The gnocchi at Il Bagatto. I only have two words:

HUMMANA

HUMMANA

3. The meditation garden near my office. There’s a sign that says people are welcome here for peace and quiet. It is a great respite from all the work hullabaloo.

4. The word “hullabaloo”.

5. During my walk to work in the morning, I pass by this little cafe and always see a mother and her little boy eating breakfast together. That scene always warms my little heart and it makes me hope that maybe one day, soon, I’ll have a little boy that I can share my breakfast with in a cute restaurant. Because you know my lazy ass won’t be cooking.

6.  Golden Girls Season One Dvds
In times of darkness, this show about four old ladies living under one roof always makes me piss my pants from laughing. And when I get older, I will continue to watch this show and I will still piss my pants. Only it won’t be from laughter but from my inability to control my bladder.

7. THREE DAY WEEKENDS!

Hope you have a weekend of fabulosity.

A common gripe for facebook users is receiving friend requests from people you are not even really friends with. Is there some kind of privacy function we can implement here? Like: Only allow users who I give a shit about to contact me? Love ya like a sister!

So who do we accept and who do we ignore?

My first rule of thumb is, if I haven’t emailed with you in the past year, then you are not allowed to be my facebook friend. Only people who have listened to me complain about canker sores are bestowed the distinct honor of being internet friends with me.

My second rule of thumb is, if you have ever accused me of giving you a disease that is only transmittable through your swimsuit area, then I WILL NOT BE YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND.

Seems pretty reasonable, right? Diplomatic even.

(And I like that Facebook offers the option to “ignore” rather than “decline” or “reject” because “ignore” seems more benign. Like you just don’t have the time at the moment to seriously consider this friend request. And it’s a passive way of saying “LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE” a la Cape Fear.)

Then why do certain people continue to send you friend requests even though you have been ignoring them for the past year?

See, things like this irritate the crap out of me. Not war or poverty or yeast infections but FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUESTS. Because this forces me to be in the uncomfortable position of feeling BAD or GUILTY for hitting the ignore button. And then that makes ME the bad guy! When I didn’t even do anything to begin with!

So I am adding this to my list of things I don’t appreciate.

It includes:

People who lie, cheat, steal, and send incessant facebook friend requests even though they were not very nice to you in the past and every single time they send a request it’s just a reminder of that horrible time in your life called your early-to-mid-twenties-and-I-should- have- known- better.

30 Rock + Mad Men= Faith In Universe Restored

For some reason (boredom), my friend Fab and I used to say “she-larious” to describe things that were extra hi-larious. I suppose this was our way of advancing the discourse on feminism.

(Yeah, now you know why we never became the next Betty Friedan.)

Anyway, just read this blog post on Pink India Ink and I think that “she-larious” describes it quite appropriately.

And on a side note to the editors of Jezebel.com: Why isn’t this girl writing for you?

the good

1. My friend Dave came over last night and not only installed the shelf that has been lying around for months but also hung my mirror, fixed my door knob and repaired my table with a gimp leg. Who needs a boyfriend when you have a guy friend with a massive tool kit?(that’s not a euphemism!) Seriously, I’m so so appreciative. I’m so lucky to have friends who will travel in this arctic weather to install things for you because you’re not so handy with drills (not a euphemism either!)

2. Went out for my friend Liz’s 30th birthday over the weekend. We had a lovely dinner at BarBossa in Nolita and then drinks at Elizabeth on Elizabeth Street. I’m all about places with no attitude. If you guys ever want to organize a group dinner or event, then check out these two places. The managers were so accommodating and sweet.

3. Walked by the Stuy Town parking lot on Sunday morning and while admiring all the lovely white snow on the ground, noticed that someone had written the word cock on all the snow covered car windows. Much like fart jokes, phallus jokes are perennially funny.

It was only slightly embarrassing when someone walked by and caught me taking pictures. Slightly.

4. Whilst cleaning my room last night, found an old card from a friend that encouraged me to continue making people laugh on the internet. It was really sweet. And it reminded me how much I have neglected you oh, machine of online content!

the bad

1. My mouth has erupted into canker sores. (And no, they’re not caused by the herps and they’re not contagious!) I tend to get them when I’m stressed out. It hurts to open my mouth or chew food or worse–brush my teeth. Minty tooth paste is a weapon of mass destruction that sends indescribable pain. I usually hate when people use the word “indescribable” to describe things but it’s pretty hard to think of adjectives when you’re lying on the bathroom floor in fetal position.

2. So I met up with the dude that my friend (yenta) arranged for me to meet. Let us remember that my entire mouth is covered in canker sores and it’s hard for me to open my mouth or even smile. And midway through drinks, the dude says something like:

“Do you find that people have difficulty understanding what you’re saying?”

My mental response: “Do you find that people want to introduce their fist to your face?”

3. I wanted to explain that I had all these canker sores but then I thought it was probably not a very good idea to introduce the word “sore” on the first interaction.

4. Even though I have been dating for like ten years now, I still get nervous every time I meet someone new. Even if it’s not a real date! The worst part is approaching the bar and you’re about to open the door and you think, “What the hell am I doing?” I could be at home. Watching Jon and Kate Plus Eight! ALONE! I don’t need people! I like being by myself!

5. And then I open the door.

6. And then I can’t open my mouth.

the effin’ ugly

1. So my office has been asking all the employees whether they would rather lay off some employees or keep the employees and everyone take a ten percent pay cut. Guess who chose the first option? And then I asked what everyone else picked and they said the second one.

2. I felt bad. At first. These are probably people with families and mortgages. But then I just got even more pissed off. They already combined my position with another one and I’m working my ass off more than most of them. While people are taking one hour lunches, I’m still in the office. Granted, I couldn’t even EAT lunch if I wanted to, but whatevs! And when I stay later, people pass by my cube and ask, “what are you still doing here?” As if they don’t know! Don’t mock me and my canker sores!

Via Reform School

1. I have not washed my hair since Sunday. I can’t really tell if I have that ‘head” smell yet. You know, that unwashed, earthy smell that lingers on pillow cases and baseball caps and sometimes you even get a whiff from your friend’s head when you hug them a little too tight and you think, geez, doesn’t this person ever wash their hair? Only now they are thinking that about YOU? I kept putting it off because I thought I’d just wash it once I got to the gym…

2. Aaaand you can deduce that I have not gone to the gym at all this week. Oh, damn you women’s magazines and all your taunts for a fitter, newer you in 09! Whenever I feel out of shape, I always think of that line from Clueless when Ty complains about working out and says: “Cher, my abs–they don’t feel nothin’ like steel.”

3. I use two alarm clocks. One is my cellphone and the other is a radio alarm clock. If the world were to end tomorrow, at least I would wake up on time.

4. I’m a little obsessed with all things bananas. The other day I went to Something Sweet bakery and bought a chocolate covered banana (doubles as phallus) and then the other day I made banana bread. If you are what you eat, then I guess I’m bananas. Har Har.

5. I have this shelf that I bought online like THREE MONTHS AGO and it’s just sitting on a floor because I don’t know how to install it. I know I subscribe to the principles of feminism and all but seriously I need a man to do this. (tossing hair whilst pouting)

6. I had a mini panic attack at work today but I got over it by saying “relax, relate, release” over and over. Whenever you find yourself in a grind, it is best to borrow a relaxation technique you once saw on an episode of A DIFFERENT WORLD.

7. Whenever people make jokes about Jon and Kate Plus Eight and how that show is an advertisement for birth control, I laugh and agree but secretly I think that I wouldn’t mind having eight kids. As long as they were totally adorable and half Asian.

8. I heard a joke involving scientology and bathtubs and nearly cried from laughing so hard.

H-h-h-hello? Remember me? Small little blog with glasses? And a great personality? Hello????

<REVERB>

I feel like it’s been ages since the last blog post. Okay, only a couple of days, but that’s like a century in blog years! But I’m like the Benjamin Button of blogs so the longer this bad analogy goes on, the younger I become.

Some of my new years resolutions are to blog more and eat less doritos. I have yet to see signs of progress on either of those initiatives but I will let you know if there is any success…especially on the artificial cheese front.

Alrightie, so where do we begin…oh, well last night I saw Billy’s band play at Mercury Lounge and it was so great to see all those guys rock out. They play the kind of music that will have you rock out one minute and slow dance the next. Seriously, at one point all these couples were slow dancing and making out in corners. I had no one to slow dance with so I danced with myself whilst shooting them envious glances.

Then I came home, collapsed on the couch, and watched a Jon and Kate Plus Eight marathon till ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING.

I remember in my early to mid twenties, I used to go out on weeknights, dancing in smoky bars till one in the morning and now I watch reality shows with cute little babies.

My ovaries are about to implode.

In dating news, a couple of my friends have been trying to set me up. My roommate wants to set me up with this chef dude and told his friend I’d be great for him because–and these are her exact words–”Jinius is obsessed with food.”

Obsessed? That’s a slight exaggeration. I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed. Just that I only think about food for twenty four hours, seven days a week.

And then my dear friend Ilana, ever the little yenta, told me that she gave my email to a nice, Jewish boy…with a beard!

My friend Ursy says that if we meet, I should ask to see his matzoh balls. But I don’t think I should do that on the first date. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’m more of a third date, matzoh ball kinda girl. Or maybe the second date. Hell, it depends on how many drinks I’ve had.

Anyway, I decided that I will not introduce any boys to the blog unless they are really worthy enough to be introduced to you, dear readers. Because you guys are like the parental units of this little old blog and I don’t want to introduce you to just any Tom, Dick, or Harry.

Unless, of course, it is to tell you really funny stories about the most intimate and private details of their lives.

A little ditty from Fabrizio Moretti’s side band Little Joy. A little mix of rock and bossa nova.

Little Joy - The Next Time Around - Little Joy