1. French tourists
I was at the supermarket a couple of weeks ago and waiting in the checkout line (buying country time lemonade mix). After reading an US Weekly and Star magazine cover to cover, I realized that the three French tourists ahead of me were taking forever to pay. They were huddled together, speaking their French tongue, trying to figure out how much change to give. I understand they were not from this country and unfamiliar with American currency, but I don’t understand why it still takes three people to count change. I’ve seen blind people count change faster. No, I’ve seen blind people without hands count change faster. Oh, I could do this all day, folks…

2. Married people on Facebook
I have a friend on facebook who shares a profile with his wife. I always wondered how one would share a profile with their spouse. Whose name would you use? Where would you say you were from? In this case, they combined their first names to make their profile name. Like Brian Sammantha. Or…Montel Candace.

They also uploaded a photo album entitled “Us”.

I think that people who refer to themselves as a couple instead of individual persons are worse than people who refer to themselves in the third person.

3. People who refer to themselves in the third person
Facebook has this feature that lets you announce your current status. Like “Brian is hungry” or “Debbie is doing or homework” or “John is beating off”.

But the annoying this is that you have to describe your status in the third person. Of course, I am all up in it. I update my status every day. But it is still not cool that facebook makes you refer to yourself in the third person. The only people who are allowed to refer to themselves in the third person are:

1. Schizophrenics
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger
3. God

4. People who don’t hear you say thank you
I am walking out of my apartment building when a mature looking woman holds open the door for me. I say thank you because, hello, I am a human being. Then the woman calls after me and says, “Miss, you say thank you.” She gives me the look of death and goes in.

By the time I am able to sound the words, “But I did say thank you” she was already in the building. The elderly are swift.

5. People who don’t wipe a public toilet seat after using it…especially in movie theater restrooms
No one should be subjected to cleaning your urine residue. No one.

6. Insecure people who discuss their insecurities at length
It’s not that I dislike insecure people. I just don’t understand them. Why would you want to publicize your flaws? On purpose? Just pretend you are awesome and wait until other people discover you’re a loser.

7. People who don’t appreciate celebrity gossip
If there is one good thing that came out of 9/11, I’d say it’s the proliferation of celebrity rags. And anthrax. Okay, two good things came out of 9/11. But seriously, if it weren’t for 9/11 then people wouldn’t be able to use the excuse that they read US Weekly in order to recover from the stress of the terrorist attacks. I mean, wouldn’t you rather read about how Ricki Lake lost all her weight instead of analyzing an exit strategy for Iraq? I don’t think it takes a Muslim cleric to figure this one out.

8. People who don’t support immigration
I don’t understand anti-immigration supporters. If it weren’t for immigrants, then this country would have no comedy. Think about it. Who are all the funny people in this country? Immigrants. Or at least, children of immigrants who came to this country many, many years ago.

Here are some funny people of foreign blood.

Margaret Cho (Korean)
Jerry Seinfeld (Jewish
Chris Rock (um, black people count as immigrants, right?)
Conan O’brien (what about Irish people?)
Tina Fey (Greek)

Hmmm, this list seemed alot longer in my head. Anyway, if you support immigration then you support the joy of laughter. If you don’t support immigration then you probably watch alot of Law & Order SVU.