So I wasn’t going to make any New Years resolutions because I think resolutions are for people who actually want to improve their lives and themselves but I think I will incorporate one very important resolution for the sake of my health and my overall well being:

Eat dinner

Bad things happen when I drink on an empty stomach. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while then you must be familiar with this axiom. I mean I’m only 5′1 so when I drink on an empty stomach the alcohol bypasses my stomach and goes straight to my brain. And yet I never seem to learn my lesson.

Like on New Years Eve.

New Years Eve is the one holiday where everyone is allowed to get as fucked up as possible so that they can lose all ability to see or think straight, thus enabling them to makeout with someone by midnight. I remember on one particular New Years my friend Fab and I decided that we were going to keep it really low key and not even dress up so we went to this loft party wearing shirts that said “BOYS ARE STUPID THROW ROCKS AT THEM.” And those shirts, of course, invited alot of responses from people who should have rocks thrown at them. And by midnight Fab and I are both making out with these Albanians except I don’t know the guy is Albanian and think he is French and I keep shouting “Saucisson Saucisson!” because that’s what I do around French people and the guy turns to Fab and says, “Does your friend know I’m not French?” And then I tried to type his number into my phone and I was too drunk to type in digits so I gave up in frustration.

Where was I going with this story? Oh, right,eat dinner before going out or you shall makeout with strange foreign men with indiscernible accents.

And then last night all I had was a piece of olive bread and like ten or twenty glasses of champagne. And today I’m playing my favorite game called “Did I say that?” where I run conversations from the night before and try to remember if I could have said something particularly offensive. I don’t think I said anything offensive last night. I may have tried to grab people’s asses but that’s not really offensive, that’s just flattery.

Oh and I shared a cab home with my friend and I guess I must have been pretty, um, what’s the word…fucked up? Because he had to get out of the cab and walk me to my apartment. And I woke up this morning without any clothes on and in a pool of my own drool. So if he hadn’t walked me home I would have just taken my clothes off and fallen asleep on the sidewalk. Happy New Year!

I was lamenting to my roommate about how embarrassed i was that I needed to be escorted to my own apartment and she said, “Look if if your friends can’t handle you at your most real then they can’t handle you at all.”

Um, so I guess my most authentic self is someone who can’t formulate sentences and find her apartment.

So this year I will try to follow my resolution of eating dinner before going out so that I don’t, you know, pass out in an alley. Oh, and to stop eating foot long subs so that my ass can stop expanding.