(I wrote this post a while ago but have since updated it)

Some of my guy friends recently signed on to this online dating service and asked for my advice since *cough* I have had some experience in the field.

I gave them some tips on online dating protocol from what not to say in your profile to how to contact a girl.

It took them a while to get over the idea of writing a profile. They said:   “I hate talking about myself.” or “I don’t know how I would describe myself.” Hello, we live in the era of friendster, myspace, and facebook–just throw something together! Okay, maybe it is easy for me to say. Afterall, I do have a blog.

Anyway, after some tough love and guidance, one of the boys scored a date this weekend after only being registered for less than a week! So I offer you Jinius’s guide to online dating.

1. Do not use a sexual username. Names like sexynewyorker or teaser4u? Don’t do that. Girls will think you are some desperate perv. And if a girl does respond to you, she’s probably not the kind of girl you take home to mother. I’m just saying.

2. Don’t pose with your shirt off. Maybe some girls would like to see what a guy’s body looks like but it just seems like a cheesy calender photo to me. Don’t do that.

3. You should post photos of you hanging out with your girl friends so that they give you some street cred. Don’t just put photos of you hanging with your boys like it’s some big sausage fest.

4. PLEASE don’t describe yourself as “laid back” and “easy going”. Those are euphemisms for “boring” and “no personality”.

5. Instead write about what you like to do on the weekends. Where do you like to eat? What concerts do you go to? Remember what your high school English teacher told you: action words are so much more descriptive than emotional ones.

6. My guy friend was working on his initial email to a girl that caught his eye and he asked, “Is it cheesy if I write that you were the first profile to catch my eye?” Umm, dear readers, I think we all know what my answer is on this one. YES, OF COURSE THAT IS CHEESY!

7. Do not send an email saying things like “you caught my eye” or “you took my breath away”. Unless you are some balding, used car salesman. Please don’t tell me you are a balding, used car salesman. Instead, ask her something about her profile. (I think it is a given that you should READ the girl’s profile for crying out loud.) Ask her where she likes to hangout. How long she’s been living in the city. Blah Blah.

8. Do not send long missives discussing how you want to settle down and are searching for someone to cherish you. (Unless you are on Eharmony)

9. My guy friend also asked if it’s okay to ask a girl out after the first email exchange. I guess some people insist that the only way to tell if you have chemistry is to meet in person. I am not one of those people. When a guy asked me out after only one email I kept thinking, “But you don’t even know me!!!” I told him to follow the rule of three. Ask them out after three email exchanges. You don’t want the girl to think you are too eager. “But I’m impatient!” he argued. Look, impatience is another word for desperate. Just wait and she’ll be like cookie dough in your hands. Women like hunting more than men. It’s just easier and we’re not afraid to ask for directions.

10. And last but certainly not least:  Do not post old pictures of yourself when you were younger, thinner, and lets face it, more attractive. It will only create awkwardness on the first meeting when the girl realizes that you’ve been misleading her. If you really want her to like you for the real you then go ahead and post that pic of your balding self!