I never understood those aphorisms that encourage you to be a better person.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Take the high road. Be the bigger person.

The bigger person? Why would I want to be the bigger person when what I really want to do is BUST. SOME. SKULLS??? People seem to think that being the bigger person is the mark of a mature character but I think it’s a bit fraudulent. Because you never hear people say, “Oh, yes, I’m going to be the bigger person!!!!  I’m so happy I was the bigger person!”

No, they always say that begrudgingly and in a dejected tone that is usually accompanied by a sigh.  “Fiiiine (sigh) I guess I’ll be the bigger person.”

If you feel like acting immature why can’t you just be immature? If you feel like making fun of an ex’s poor bedroom skills on a public blog then why don’t you just go ahead?

Oh, because you’re taking the high road.

I prefer the more accessible road.

I’ve been thinking about this lately because it’s funny when you hear people concoct elaborate and creative ways to not offend people. If you don’t feel like attending a party you make some excuse about how you have to work overtime or you’re sick or your dog needs to be disciplined. Now that I’m older I’ve exhausted all my excuses so when people invite me to things and I don’t feel like going I just say “No.”

Do you wanna go running with me?
No.

Do you wanna go to this fundraiser and pay 100 dollars a ticket? It’s open bar.
Tempting. But no.

Do you wanna go see this live jazz band?
HAHAHAHAH. No.

Do you wanna watch the Sex and the City movie?
Um, I’m too busy trying to actually have sex in this city. No.

Do you wanna be my bridesmaid?
Oh, I’m so honored. No.