We’ve all been in this position before.

You’re waiting in line for the bathroom at a bar or restaurant or coffee shop. (I’m sure you’ve been in line at a coffee shop because, hello, coffee!!!) So you’re the only person in line and waiting forever because the person in the stall is either reading Ulysses or removing the entire contents of his/her digestive system. The person finally exits the restroom and does not look you in the eye.

A harbinger of things to come.

You enter the bathroom and your olfactories are immediately arrested by a stench so unholy that you are convinced that the person before you must have murdered someone, eaten them, and then purged them from their bowels.

But you get over it and do your thing.

Then you leave the bathroom only to find that a line of people has actually gathered outside the restroom. Where were all these people before?? And now they will think that you are the perpetrator of this unholy grail!!

What do you do? Shrug? Grimace? Be like Shaggy and say, “It wasn’t me”?

Ladies and gentleman, I propose that we all employ the universal sign of “not my shit” so as not to be responsible for a sin we did not commit. As we exit the restroom, we should pull on our right ear to indicate to our fellow restroom victims that we did not, indeed, drop a deuce.

You’re welcome.