1. I should take valium
2. Why do people compare turbulence with riding a rollercoaster? Um, yeah, a rollercoaster that is 30,000 feet in the air!
3. How come I never sit next to anyone hot?
4. Always the single moms reading Nora Roberts books.*
5. Or people who talk to themselves
6. My flight attendant is a transvestite
7. Great, I’m spending the last minutes of my life with a trannie and a woman talking to herself. **
8.Ooh, cute passenger in row 12.
9. Well, helloooo, Mr. Hottie McPassenger
10. The phrase “balls to the wall” is hilarious
11. I’m going to start using “balls to the wall” in the vernacular
12. This flight is balls to the wall
13. Happy thoughts. Tra-la-la.
14. WTF?!?!
15. How can you people be so placid? And watch Ratatouille as if you don’t feel the plane shaking? I’m going to ignore the fact that the flight attendant pronounced it “Ratooly”. What if they used cats in the movie instead of rats? It would be Catatouille. Or if they used jackals? Jackalatouille. I am laughing at my own jokes. I am so lame!
16. If this turbulence stops I promise to be a nicer person
17. And take more risks
18. And stop dieting
19. And makeout with more strangers
20. A burrito for lunch was a bad idea.

*Grain of salt
** Two Grains of salt. Please don’t sue me I have no money.