I’m a Jinius

I don’t understand how I can be sick for the third time this year. I mean, I take preventative measures. I eat garlic. I eat so much garlic that I might have to start wearing deodorant again because that shit comes out of your pores. I eat kale. KALE. I exercise. Why would I torture myself with leafy greens and exercise if I am still getting sick???

Oh, I know why.

Because people like to cough on me.

Has that ever happened to you? When someone doesn’t cover their mouth so they decide to just cough ON you like you are part of the air?

A co-worker actually did that to me yesterday and I was so offended that I said, “You need to cover your mouth!”

That really pisses me off. Just as much as people who fart in restaurants.

And having a cold is far worse than the flu. At least with the flu you can miss work and sleep all day but with a cold you’re still fine enough to show up but every little activity makes you completely miserable.

Like trying to open a bottle of gatorade for instance.

Are they trying to make gatorade child resistant or something because opening the bottle requires the strength of a gladiator.

I got so frustrated I almost threw the bottle at the wall.

Sometimes I think I have anger issues.

But I only get angry when seemingly simple things turn unnecessarily complex.

Like trying to fall asleep.

Or opening a jar of marinara sauce or waiting for a subway that never appears or sitting by your phone and hoping that some hot bartender will call you and offer to make you a hot toddy only to curse yourself for deleting his number.

And New York is like a callous lover when you’re sick. Whipping your face with cold wind and protracting every menial task into an arduous affair.

I just want a hot toddy.

Or a hot body. Ha.

I was thinking the other day that I hate sharing my bed with guys because I can never fall asleep. It doesn’t matter how big or nice their bed is, I just can’t get comfortable. I like to extend my body so that it colonizes the entire bed. If I had it my way I would just kick the guy off and do my own thing. Like this:

But lately I find myself spooning my pillow as if it were a person.

Sometimes it is nice to wake from slumber and find yourself ensconced in warm arms. And have them rub your bare belly and whisper “you have soft skin”.

And you reply to such a sweet sentiment by saying:

Oh, it’s because I moisturize with Nivea every day.