There are three kinds of Caucasians that legitimately frighten me: gay republicans, Criss Angel fans, and drunk hipsters.

I know, I know there have already been so many blogs and articles devoted to vilifying hipsters, to the point that adding another critique is like beating a dead leper. So then…why do they still act like that? I mean, seriously, don’t they read? Or read magazines with pictures?

Last night my friends and I went to a CMJ/fashion party at a very lovely mansion that is now a gallery. It was a great place for people watching. Especially if you enjoy watching people who look exactly the same. It was like Urban Outfitters exploded. Don’t get me wrong, I shop at Urban Outfitters all the time (it’s where I get all my Marc Jacobs knock-offs). I just never thought I’d see their catalog come to life. If I never have to see a person in a flannel shirt outside of the Appalachians again, it will be too soon. (I type this while I’m wearing a flannel shirt. But it was from the Gap! On Sale! I’m legitimately poor!)

But whatever, I can deal with the fashion sense. I’d rather be surrounded by girls in jumpers than girls in Lily Pulitzer dresses on the Upper East Side. I think. What really frightens me is the drunk dancing. They look like zombies trying to copulate. I am willing to bet my right lung that Estelle Getty could dance circles around those hipsters and then do a back bend.

Okay, okay, I shouldn’t be so judgmental. Some people just don’t know how to dance (not me) but if you’re going to dance badly you might as well as dance to something worthy like old school Michael Jackson and not TV on the Radio (typing this whilst dancing to TV on the Radio). I never understood why people danced to indie rock. It’s not dancing music! I listen to it when I’m cleaning the house or on my ipod on the way to Planned Parenthood. But I don’t dance to it!* How do people dance to music that makes me want to scrub the toilet?

Another thing that frightens me is Asian hipsters**. Um, yeah, don’t front like you love Cocorosie because I know you grew up listening to the Sound of music soundtrack. All Asian parents exposed their kids to the Sound of Music. (Or maybe just my parents?) And instilled in their children the joys of filial piety and cheesy music. I mean, hello, didn’t you own a karaoke machine and sing Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes with your dad? Why are you wearing blue spandex? Why? Okay, I understand that in order to assimilate some minorities will gravitate to a certain sub culture and try to fit in. I get it. In my case, I wanted to be white, then latin, and then black and now I just want to be married with two kids and a pool. But it still doesn’t make it okay to date guys who wear tighter jeans than you. Your parents did not escape the Khmer Rouge so that you could date a guy with a coke problem (unless he’s a doctor).

All in all it was a fun night. Give me good friends and free booze and you’ll have me dancing on the ceiling. Literally. It’s just funny how the older you get, the more you realize you can’t leave the house anymore. Because people are scary. And when we were younger we were conditioned to believe that large crowds of black people were scary. Now we’re scared of girls in spandex.

*Unless I’m drunk
**Technically not Caucasian