When I was a kid growing up in Miami, grocery shopping was a highly anticipated event.

Our Sunday trips to the supermarket would augur a new week full of hope, optimism, and child approved school lunches. It was a place where we’d befriend the guys at the deli and greedily eat samples of muenster cheese. A place to lounge around the magazine stand and absorb all the Tiger Beat magazines. It was an idyllic place. A happy place.

But no more.

I hate going grocery shopping in New York. I don’t know what other activity brings me such sheer and utter disdain.

Maybe brazilian waxes.

And every week I have to choose between starvation or shopping at one of the two titans of grocery chain stores.

Whole Foods or Trader Joes.

Or as I like to say, Whore Foods and Trader Hoes. Because after shopping there, your wallet is sore. And depending on how busy it is, so is your ass.

To continue with the brazilian wax metaphor (because I like to alienate male readers), choosing between Whole Foods and Traders Joes is like deciding whether or not you want to shill the extra money to go to the posh place where the waxers use gloves and the gourmet wax or the cheap place around the corner that may or may not have a permit but it gets the job done.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the food products at Trader Joes, especially the cookies and chips and basically anything pre-packaged. I just don’t think I would buy meat or vegetables there. I mean, the vegetables are so wilted they look like they belong in some Eastern Bloc gulag.

And THE LINES. The worst thing about Trader Joes is THE CROWD. First of all, the store is the size of my bathroom. And for those of you who have been to my bathroom, you can attest that it can only accommodate one person. TOPS. So navigating Trader Joes during peak times is a lot like walking around Times Square during rush hour. God forbid if you want to take a minute to read a label. People will push you like you’re a gawking tourist standing in the middle of the street. And, yes, I’m usually the one doing the pushing.

And THE STROLLERS. I understand parents have to bring their children but do they have to bring them INSIDE??? These rows are the size of a birthing canal. They can not accommodate your hummer sized stroller. I propose leaving your children outside and tying them to parking meters. Like dogs!

So in an effort to avoid the crowds, I try to go during the off hours like 9 pm on a Monday. But that usually means slim pickings. Like a potato or a suspicious head of lettuce. Ah, yes, comrade, tonight I shall make goulash!

So the other option is Whole Foods. The crowd is a little more manageable and the produce is so refined it looks genetically engineered, but the PRICES, good god, the prices!

I bought a yellow pepper that was $1.95. That is nearly two dollars for A PEPPER. Was this pepper blessed by a thousand sacrificial virgins and washed in the saliva of a Tibetan monk because I don’t know what else would warrant such a steep price for a perishable item!!!!

You can get pizza for two dollars. And pizza has more than one ingredient!

And the other thing about Whole Foods is trying to find NORMAL food. I see aisles for Gluten Free, Wheat Free, Animal Free. I’m sorry but where can I find the aisle that has actual FOOD???

Okay, so Whole Foods is really a yuppie supermarket that positions itself as “healthy” and “organic”. But does anyone else find it awkward that all the customers are white and all the cashiers are, shall we say, NOT WHITE???

Anyway, as I paid for my groceries, the cashier girl asked if I’d like to buy a re-usable bag for 99 cents. I declined because I didn’t want to give Whole Foods any more of my money. Even in the name of saving the environment!

But funny how the cheapest item in the store is also the most sustainable one. I wonder if it too late to exchange my pepper for a re-usable bag..