So I get an email from a good guy friend of mine and it starts off “There is something that has been bothering me for some time…”–and I instantly think Oh shit I did something to offend him!–then I continue reading and he writes:

I think it should be addressed in your blog: Anonymous farting in loud clubs/bars. I have fallen victim to this three times in the last month and a half. Each time it took place while I was talking to a girl. I’m not sure if this is some new, diabolical cock block technique recently developed by the haters, or if this is something that girls think they can get away with. When in a conversation with a girl, the owness of any sudden malodor is, by default, placed on the nearest guy present (i.e. me, the game spitter). How can I sidestep the funk when it’s surrounding me? So far my tactic has been to ignore it entirely, as not to embarrass the girl, in the event that she is the phantom farter. But it’s not like she doesn’t smell it. So if she didn’t do it, then she probably thinks it’s me. But again, I feel compelled to remain silent, deferring to the childhood adage: “He who first smelt it dealt it”. What’s a playa to do?

In other news: I recently gave up on relationships. Santa Claus brought me an Xbox360 before I could procure myself a cute, smart, fun, funny, fashionable, and faithful nymphomaniac.


Okay, as for the first part of the email, yes, people pass gas in public places e.g. bars and clubs because those places are loud and they think no one can hear them even though we can all smell them. I’d say your best bet is to make a joke of it. Both people win in the scenario. If the girl is the offender then she knows you’re not a total jerk and can poke fun at these, um, fleeting moments. And if the girl isn’t the offender then she knows you didn’t do it or at least should be cool enough to let you pretend that you didn’t do it when we all know you probably did. ha!

As for the second part of your email, um, looks like the only box you’ll be playing with is electronic.

Any other questions? Concerns? Please send them over to thejinius at gmail dot com. I will answer them after drinking a half bottle of wine.